A wandering mind
It always strikes me as odd, how the mind works.
The way it wanders and skips from one thought to the next.
I mean, last night, I was out on the balcony, looking out at the yard after having spent some time on Facebook. I was thinking about how I’m not sure what my feelings are about old high school friends- and by friends I mean folks I haven’t talked to since graduation day nearly 21 years ago – adding me and being privvy to bits of my life I wouldn’t otherwise choose to share with them.
That got me thinking about my childhood best friend, we’ll call her A, who hasn’t spoken to me since I didn’t ask her to stand up in my second wedding and who, while she is on Facebook, hasn’t asked to add me, nor does she have any pictures up – which is aggravating cuz I’m fucking curious, man.
And that got me thinking about my second ex-husband. How my friend, A, was so fucking upset to not get to stand up in this wedding cuz, omg, it was me and Mikey getting married! And we were SO important to her and she felt SO hurt and left out and…
Fuckin’ A. We stayed married two years.
After twelve years of thinking this dude was the shit, some sort of god, my ultimate mate…
After having married someone else even though I was still in love with him and immediately getting back with him when my first marriage was over…
I wonder how A would feel knowing it only took me two years of actually living with the guy to realize it was all a fucking illusion; an illusion she helped keep my reality for a lot of years by buying into it herself.
And I wondered what she would say if I told her the real, actual reason I left him.
And then my mind went on to thinking about baby cradles and sesame chicken and I think I came in the house and watched Frost Nixon and my mind was all OVER the place.
The mind is weird. It drifts and slides and slithers, it alights briefly on things like a butterfly, then darts off again. We can focus it, but sometimes the most important thoughts refuse to be focused.
I’m still thinking about A today. Mostly cuz I wonder if she actually found her happiness, if she’s still pleased with her choices, if she’d have done anything different. I wonder if she’s still under the illusions we had about the folks we knew. And I wonder what she’d think of the choices I’ve made, the life I live, the happiness I’ve found.
And I really wish she had pictures posted.
It’s weird, drifting into the past like that. Weird, too, knowing my mind will drift off in another direction and I won’t think about her or then or them for a long, long time.
And I wonder…
If life as I know it now changed…
How long until the people in it and the way I feel became just another flower for the hummingbird to occasionally dart around?
I think about stuff like that, sometimes. I stopped talking to my best friend in high school when I dropped out. Not really sure why. I stopped calling her and she stopped calling me and that was that. Wonder what she’s doing now.
So…why DID you really leave him, Carrie? :)
And yeah, Facebook. It’s nice but I’ve noticed I tend to react to people on there in ways I’m not always happy about. For instance, I have two people on there I really want to drop. Dan’s ex-best friend buddy ol’ buddy bud who has turned out to be a fucking knife-in-the-back disloyal beta-male asshole CHUMP, and his wife.
His wife is nice enough (and clueless about how he really feels about her, btw), but we barely know her since they live far away and we’ve met her two whole times. And Dan’s good old buddy who has stayed with us many times when he travels out here and we know a LOT more about, well, fuck him.
I can’t stand seeing the insipid one-sentence pithy self-absorbed CRAP he posts on there anymore. Makes me all stabby. Especially since I know it’s mostly lies.
Yet, we all stay Facebook buddies. Maybe through ennui; I just don’t care enough to “un-friend” them and go through any subsequent drama or waiting for drama. Whatever.
Facebook. Meh.
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It’s a completely weird experience, that Facebook. I have people from high school I didn’t even talk to asking to friend me and people who were friends once, but aren’t anymore due to conflict who ask for friendship and send messages as if nothing ever transpired. It’s really lost much of it’s appeal for me, I think because I feel like I should be saying something to these people and I just have nothing to say. That and people keep sending me flowers and drinks and other meaningless crap that annoys me. What is that about?
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I know. I hit “ignore invitation” a LOT. It makes very little sense to me. Who’s THAT bored?
It’s weird how memories of friends makes us think about who we have become and what might have been different. Great post. I had a similar experience last week.
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I have a hummingbird brain as well, your blog hits it right on. It’s when I have conversations with other hummingbirds that it gets extremely hilarious and I love that they are my true friends.
I did the facebook thing because of my best friend–it was the only chat program she could use at work. She lives in LA and I’m in BFE. It saves us a hella lotta phone minutes. Anyway, she was the outgoing/outspoken one in high school and I was the corner recluse…and I still am.
And I wonder about all these people who want to be my FRIEND now..but wouldn’t have given me a second glance before. I’m totally aggravated by people who have profiles–but you can’t see them–UNLESS you’re a friend. Criminy, how can I nib without being their friend??? Sometimes, I just want to see how obscene they have gotten and move on.
So before I post something, I censor and re-think & censor some more because I don’t want Miss Mary from the OhMyGod Church to think I ‘truly’ want to kill someone because sarcasm isn’t understood very well in type. Do I care what you had for dinner? Do I really give a shit that you need more points for your ‘give me a drink game?” Ugh. Time-wasting fluff.
I don’t think it’s so much a ‘social network’ as it is a ‘gossip generator’ in this little hick town I live in.
Maybe there should be a syndrome called the Facebook Fugger Syndrome – becuase I have people on also that wouldn’t give me the time of DAY way back when – I’m completely perplexed why they would add me – truth be told. Then, having added me, they don’t DO anything regardless!
I only went on originaly to keep in touch with my soon to be ex-sister in law and a super great friend several provinces away.
I can’t figure out Facebook – whether I hate it or if it is simply a habit – I don’t do much on it – ignore is my friend but I still go back and forth obsessively.
I think with a lot of the high school people it is not so much that they think what they thought back then, but they’re trying to grasp the illusions they used to have.
I think contact with anyone from “back then” makes them feel… younger. It brings back all those good memories, even if you weren’t really friends back then.
Plus, they’re nosey. They want to see pics and usually have to add someone to see them. hehe
grins, yes, pictures are GOOD – some of them I had to unearth (and believe me that took some doing – I graduated in 1973 LOL) – my old yearbook and match them with the name! I alos have a brutal memory when it comes to people – probably becuase I moved around so much as a kid I learned to compartmentalize – so these people greet me like I’m their long lost great bud and then finally, somewhere, down the line, I’m like, OH, that’s who they ARE .. HELL – they didn’t give me the time of day!