Abuse
So… I was over on Fetlife today…
I know. I haven’t started a post like that in a long, long ass time. Some of you are probably glad. Some of you may actually miss it! Regardless, I was on Fetlife today and I did get all jacked up over a topic.
Abuse.
Seems there is yet another thread asking whether or not people in a D/s relationship can be abused.
Well, of course not. We have super human anti abuse cloaks which can be defeated only by unobtainium stolen from blue fairy things.
*blink*
Right. So, yes, of course people in a D/s relationship can be abused. Anyone can be abused.
Some of the people I consider very close friends disagree with me. A lot of folks feel that once you enter the M/s or O/p, consensual non-consent arena of D/s that things change. That nothing is abuse because you’ve consented. I think I used to think the same thing.
However, as is wont to happen as we live our lives, merrily changing and adapting and growing (or shrinking. a lot of folks shrink with age, and I don’t just mean in size but that’s a different topic for a different day) our opinions also change. And adapt. And grow (or shrink). I guess my views have changed.
I think those in D/s relationships can be abused. I think even though I’ve given Taylor carte blanche to pretty much do with me what he will, when he will, he can still abuse both me and that power.
The difference is…
I do not think abuse is an excuse. I do not think being abused – especially in cases/relationships like mine – is synonymous with blameless.
I think Taylor can, without a doubt, mistreat me, misuse me, physically and mentally fuck me up – which are the basic definitions of abuse. I just don’t think I can use that as an excuse or as a blaming tool.
“ZOMG, he’s such a dick! I was so abused! None of it is my fault, he’s an ABUSER!”
Yeah. No. That doesn’t fly in my relationship. I’m a grown woman with a very capable brain. I’m emotionally stable. Even if he fucked me up emotionally, made me unstable, I’d still have had to consent to each step in getting there.
So perhaps I feel abuse is different in D/s relationships. But I absolutely think it’s possible.
I think if Taylor were to deliberately harm me, deliberately fuck me up, deliberately take me farther than was healthy or good for me, it would be abuse. We can’t change the dictionary.
It would, however, not be a reason to suddenly be a faultless victim.
And that, I think, is what people protest so violently against. So often BDSM in general is portrayed as abuse. So often we have to fight that prejudice. And then some twat with half a brain cell decides to let some guy lock her in his basement for two years and “force” her to do weekly gang bangs, which sounded fucking FABULOUS when they talked about it on Fetlife, finds out she hates it and suddenly he’s an abuser.
And, yeah, maybe he did abuse her fantasies and stupidity and even her. But that doesn’t mean she’s some innocent victim.
Abuse? It can happen to anyone. Saying it’s not possible rings false to me. It’s unrealistic and bending the definition to suit your purposes.
Using it as an excuse to appear the blameless little kitten rings just as false. It’s also unrealistic and bending the dictionary all out of whack.
Of course, I’m all “miss realistic” lately, miss “see all sides of the coin” so…
Eh.
Give me a year. I’ll change my tune.
Funny – I am not finding myself on FetLife much either, but I read that thread too. There’s a larger context that these particular people seem to like to ignore when discussing this topic of abuse—the rest of the world.
You can personally claim that you’ve turned over all power, all consent, even your very life to another person and that’s all fine and well—between the two of you. But in the context of the world around you, the law nor those who enforce it won’t really care that you gave him consent to take your life, if he does. The reality in which we live dictates that much of the consent for activities otherwise defined as abuse is irrelevant under the law.
I guess it depends a lot on which definition of abuse you are dealing with as well.
I think you have to keep in mind that sometimes people advertise one thing, and then end up doing another. Like this person locking the girl up in his basement for two years. Did he give her all the details of exactly what he was going to do, and for how long? Did he tell her the kinds of people that would be fucking her? Well, probably not.
So maybe he did abuse her fantasies – because he caused her to have the wrong ones. Maybe she couldn’t get out of it – what if he just wouldn’t let her go? Sometimes it’s not as easy as saying “I’m done.”
Yeah, sure, maybe she’s not totally without blame. Maybe she did know exactly what was going to happen to her, thinking that she would like it, and the minute that she realized she didn’t, she was yelling “Abuse, abuse!” That second part may not be entirely right of her, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to back out of something once you realize it’s not what you want to do.
And as they say with rape, even if it WAS a yes, the minute it becomes no and the other person refuses to stop is the minute it becomes rape.
Nope, nothing wrong with changing your mind, backing out of something. There is something wrong, however, with screaming abuse and not taking responsibility for your own actions and choices.
Each situation is different and I can’t address the 9 million “what ifs” – they’re not even the point of my post.
“And as they say with rape, even if it WAS a yes, the minute it becomes no and the other person refuses to stop is the minute it becomes rape.”
Yeah I’ll give you that one, but I’ll tell you she better have a ride home because if she tries that shit with me the bitch is walkin’ home. Yeah she can change her mind, yeah I’ll stop, but she’s out on her ass at that point.
I’ll never argue that she doesn’t have the right to stop. But by the same token I have just as much right to be pissed off about it and to not want to deal with her .