Ambiguity – Delicious or Foul?
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is not about knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” ~Gilda Radner
am·bi·gu·i·ty (?m’b?-gy?’?-t?) pronunciation
n., pl. -ties.
1. Doubtfulness or uncertainty as regards interpretation.
2. Something of doubtful meaning.
That certainly fits my life right about now.
Everything is very helter skelter and topsy turvy and just plain fuckered up.
I’m not entirely certain, either, that ambiguity is so delicious. I’m a little bit of a wreck at the moment and I can say, with certainty, that it isn’t always real pleasant. I’ll either get over it or I’ll end up curled up in a corner, tearing my hear out and babbling unintelligible nonsense.
The whole power exchange thing gets a little weird when we have Taylor’s mom in the house. Not so much because she’s here but because of the situation we’re in with her here. This apartment is NOT big enough for us all and we need to find a new place. That leaves me with the chore of getting it done. Leaves me busy and panicked and holding a lot of responsibility. Leaves me snapping at Taylor and impatient with everyone. Not very submissive and all that jazz. And Taylor gets stressed and the last thing he wants to worry about is having to keep me in check – and yet part of me needs him to and part of me needs him to just vanilla-up and simply give me support and leeway.
Bleh. It’s all just a big old fuckeroo.
And ya just KNOW there isn’t any room for play in this situation. And sometimes play is pretty important in keeping a girl on track. It wouldn’t seem to be so but… how many other ways are there to feel something as intensely as we do when we express power exchange thru play?
The good thing, maybe the delicious thing, is that once we move we’ll have more space all around. Less clutter, less stress over the clutter, and more room for that much needed play. Not to mention less financial stress, which will help the power dynamic too. (It’s awful hard at times, even though it’s his wish for me to do so, to be the one holding the money and taking care of finances and telling him “nope, ya can’t have that, we’re broke”)
Sometimes there is something to be said for chaos and ambiguity. Though I have to say I feel more comfortable knowing what’s likely to happen next. Being uncertain all the time makes finding balance in anything a bit difficult.