Antisocial?

“People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in.” ~Margaret Cho, weblog

I have had one room-mate and been married twice. Until I met Taylor I truly felt I was incapable of living with anyone other than my son. But Taylor and I are our own little world, often to the exlusion of anyone else. Living with him has not, for even one second, been a problem. We are like two halves of one entity, we exist in this state of harmony – together yet seperate, rarely feeling the need for increased personal space because we’ve found a way to… I don’t know… have it even when we’re two feet apart. I can’t really explain it.

He’s about the only exception to my need for aloneness, though. Most people don’t understand the words I quoted above. But, for me, they’re a reality.

I am at a very strange spot in life. I have a full house, an active life, some great friends that I like to (and often do) spend time with. And I enjoy all that. But there are times when even the most wonderful aspects of my life are just… too much. Too much noise, too many people talking, too much movement, too many things too close to me. And I go a little nuts. I get antsy and crabby. I begin to feel claustrophobic. Unable to focus because there is too much to focus on.

I spent a lot of years as a single mom. I lived alone with Colin for six years. And I was never lonely in the way most people understand the word. I was blessedly, happily alone unless I wanted to be around other people. It was a choice to be with people instead of a necessity.

I can’t so much say that now. A lot of times I HAVE to be around other people when I’d rather not. And it’s incredibly hard on me in ways most people just can’t comprehend.

How do you explain to your friends that you like them… a LOT… but that you’re an antisocial bitch at heart? Lol. It’s a little hard to keep friends when they think you’re avoiding them or don’t really like them – when all it really comes down to is a basic need to be alone most of the time. (Nowadays alone means at home, with Taylor and the kid. I rarely get actual ALONE time. And that’s ok. I’ve adjusted and I like it. I get enough time by myself to keep me sane and I LIKE looking over and seeing Taylor there. I can do my own thing, as can he, feel like I have “me” time and still be able to reach out and touch him)

Now Taylor is a people person. He’d make plans for every night of the week if he could. Lol. So our friends and family often feel like he likes them but I don’t. And it’s not true! I don’t make friends all that easily and I ADORE the ones I have. I just don’t have it in me to spend a lot of time with people. I CAN”T spend a lot of time with folks or I get unbalanced and scattered and manic and nervous.

Bleh. There is really no explaining it to people who don’t feel that way. I guess all I can do is keep trying and hope the people I care about “get it” enough that they don’t get their feelings hurt. I don’t want to lose friends. Even my own family gets irritated with me sometimes. I just need to keep working on that balance between enough alone time and enough time with folks I love. And hope they understand when I need to head on home to recharge. :)