I’m having a bit of a meltdown.
I’ve spent the past week doing more weeping and blubbering and feeling like shit than I can remember doing in a very long time.
Part of it is hormones, I’m sure. It’s probably in the realm of TMI so I won’t go into details but the perimenopause stuff is kicking my ass all over the place.
So being me…
It sort of sucks at the moment.
But it’s more than hormones, too. Or maybe the hormones are just exacerbating the underlying issues.
All I know is I feel like crap.
I’m wallowing in the one fucking issue I can’t seem to get free of, no matter how I try.
I’m wallowing in “no one needs me, I’m worthless, no one ever says good job or that they’re proud of me, nothing I do is good enough, I’m just an afterthought, no one notices what I do or don’t do, I might as well not be here”-ville.
Wallowing in “my parents never told me they were proud of me” and “how come I’m always expected to be so strong” and “why, why, why doesn’t anyone see the soft and needy bit inside of me??????”-town.
And I’m resenting the hell out of every damned person in my life for not seeing beneath the strong, capable, logical, hard talking exterior of me to the creature underneath who craves nothing more than a little attention and a pat on the head now and again.
And I hate this.
It’s stupid.
But I”m tired of being told when I cry that once I stop and think about it I’ll realize…
Whatever.
I have thought about it. My rational mind does understand.
But, god damn it, that doesn’t change what the rest of me needs. It doesn’t take away the hurt when I don’t get what I need.
And it doesn’t take away the fact that while my rational mind is digging in and understanding how those in my life tick – friends, family, Taylor, everyone – no one is taking the time to dig in and see how the rest of me works. The parts of me that don’t see the light very often, the parts of me that simmer deep below the surface, vulnerable and terrified of the wide open world that will hurt them if they peek out.
And, jesus, this has absolutely nothing to do with D/s or BDSM. Taylor and I are fine, beyond struggling to adjust to this night schedule and it’s repercussions.
It’s not any one thing.
It’s everything.
Not any one person but every person.
Or maybe it’s just me.
Having a little pity party and forcing you all to sip tepid tea.
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11 comments to “Being me”
BTDT. It’s rough finding your own self-worth, and keeping a grip on all the little demons that aren’t caused by any one thing, or person, but seem to affect every fricking thing in your life. I wonder if it was easier for me when I was blaming everyone for everything, or if it’s easier now that I know this is just who I am. ::shrug::
I’m bentweepinwillo on fetlife, BTW.
sending “feel betters” your way
*hugs*
You are so not alone. We need you. And the job you do? No one could do it as well. And I mean it from the bottom of my own beat up and bruised heart.
well i am sure this won’t help one little bit.. but i have been where you are.. hell some days i am still where you are.. and trust me when i say the perimenopause thing is a killer.. emotionally ..physically .. every which way……….
breath deep….. all of it will get better..
morningstar (owned by Warren)
I think we all have those sorta weeks doll. You have the right to feel that way. I wish I could say more to help but alas I can’t.
I will sit with ya have have the tepid tea though if ya need an ear.
i have hosted this party myself.. its not a fun place to be… i feel for you sweetie and im sending you bunches and bunches of warm hugs..
i know you know that things will get better and brighter.
hugshugshugs,
Hisflower
Knowing that you aren’t the only one means, perhaps, having to shout louder to be heard.
My version of your hell involved a menopausal woman and two, count ‘em two, pre-menstrual/menstrual teens. Same party perhaps, but different party favors and hats certainly.
Knowing any of the above does nothing to help you. It does however make me feel better for having mentioned it ;-)
Mr. Upton Ogood
I understand what you’re talking about. Being there sucks indeed and most of all you are your worst enemy.
I hear you, by reading you, i like what i read here; also the feeling like shit stuff.
Warm thoughts and a big hug for you…..
I understand what you’re talking about. Being there sucks indeed.
I can hear you by reading your post. And i like what i read, also the feel like shit stuff.
Warm thoughts and a big hug for you.
Just wanted to pop in and thank y’all for your kind words. The feeling is passing, as it always does, but I appreciate having been able to whine about it without being told to shut the fuck up. :)
I hope you feel better Carrie Ann. I send you well wishes.