“Certain souls seem hard because they are capable of strong feelings, and they sometimes go to rather extreme lengths; their apparent unconcern and cruelty are but ways, known only to themselves, of feeling more strongly than others.” ~Marquis de Sade

I no longer need pain on such a regular basis to make me feel whole. I still need it and gulp it down in both it’s physical and emotional forms, but the need is not so strong as it used to be.

Pain – and cruelty, unconcern, poor treatment in general – are the fastest way for me to FEEL. And, as we’ve discussed before, I rarely allow myself to feel very much very strongly. I am nearly always at a level, balanced emotional place or strictly in control of, if not my emotions, then the way I react to my emotions.

And I have gradually become able to “let go” a bit more, to feel things on a higher level than I used to.

Maybe it’s because Taylor makes me laugh so often. And because he makes me spitting mad on a regular basis, too. :) But the absolute need for pain has diminished. I no longer find myself with inadvertent bumps and bruises and cuts that come from a subconscious need to feel.

But the hunger is still there. And it’s been strong on my mind lately. The release. The emptying of all emotions thru tears and agony.

And the above quote got me to thinking about how perfectly matched the needs of a sadist can be to a masochist who doesn’t actually enjoy the pain but lives for the release of being hurt.

But now I lost my traIn of thought. Someone …. interrupted me. Must sleep. Buh bye

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