Kaya wrote a post today that has me thinking. (She actually wrote a couple posts this week that have me thinking. Sitting down to write my thoughts just ain’t been happening – but the thoughts are there none-the-less.) She followed up on her blog post with a FetLife post, as well.
Curious?
I’ll go make some tea while you wander off to read what Kaya said and we’ll meet back here in a few minutes, k?
______________________
Back? Ok.
So. We’re thinking about dumming down. About how, sometimes, we get used to our relatively simple existances and begin to seem simple – or even dumb, to some – ourselves.
At least that’s what I’m thinking about.
It’s a housemouse issue. Those who work outside the home probably never ponder it at all. But those of us who stay home? I think we all wonder and worry about it on a regular basis.
Our focus is different. We’re very focused on our house and family and partner, on the dishes and the laundry and the grocery list. Very focused on things to fill our time while we stay at home.
Sometimes we don’t talk to another human being, other than our parnter and kids, for days and weeks on end. Don’t leave the house, even.
It’s a completely different way of life than getting up and going to work or school while maintaining a relationship.
We find ourselves excited about new detergent and how great a Magic Eraser works. (I will not talk about Swiffer. Kitten knows why) Worked up over a great crock pot recipe. We spend a bunch of time getting pretty – not for the workplace but just cuz we don’t want to look like a rag-a-bag compared to all those pretty women in their business shirts with their shiny hair and gorgeous shoes out there. But no one sees us and half the time our partners don’t notice so we just kind of feel frumpy.
And…
Jesus.
Everything hinges on what he thinks of us; of how we mopped the floor or how sparkly the bathroom is or if he actually noticed the cute, body hugging t-shirt and lipstick.
We don’t get a raise. We get the occasional new mop.
Okay. I’m exaggerating the domestic cleanliness and attentiveness bit.
But, honestly? That’s how it feels a lot of times.
Your brain gets so used to focusing on the simple, every day tasks of hearth and home that you find you don’t stretch it very often. You get in your zone and don’t move from it. You’re doing simple, basic stuff and you sort of become simple.
I don’t know if it’s a matter of becoming dumb. Stupid. Brainless.
It’s just a matter of not using your brain in the same way many people do.
Thank gods for the internet where we can read about just about anything going on in the world and communicate with other adults with the click of a mouse. It really does help to keep us stimulated and not as boring as we might otherwise be.
But that doesn’t make our lives… or us… less simple.
I’m a pretty smart cookie. Witty at times. Opinionated. Fairly well educated.
But I’m also simple. My life is simple. I mostly think about simple things.
And I’m okay with that.
I don’t consider it a dumbing down. I don’t think Taylor has specifically and intentionally intended to brainwash me into being less smart. I think he just LIKES the majority of my focus being on him and his home and our family. Even if it makes me slightly simple.
Simple, in this regard, isn’t bad. Or dumb. Afterall… I’m also incredibly complex, in many ways.
I just live with a simple focus and we really like it that way.
Although if I start singing the Wiggles, I expect someone to come rescue me.
This totally didn’t go the way I intended it to. I got to babbling on and on and lost what I think I wanted to say. I”m not going to proof-read and check, though. Cuz it’s not like I have time to change it. Dinner time.
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I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
I read her post earlier today and, like you, it got me to thinking. But after reading both of the posts. I feel I don’t agree with either of you on this matter. I have a stay at home wife and 1 daughter. So from my experience lets look at this another way.
The ‘well dressed/pretty girl’ you spoke of gets up every day and does the exact samething. She is instructed daily by a corporate machine to do the exact same thing over and over. She MUST wear those clothes that you envy and gets rather tired of them most of the time. By the time she is home, she is exhausted, mind dead, and usually unhappy.
She comes home to a man that typically finds a TV full of other men more important than her. And the only thing she has to revel in is the fact that she is a free/independent woman. Her job never notices whether she has done a good job or not. Her husband doesn’t have the time to focus on her (Nor does she have the time to be focused on.)
On the other hand, you get up everyday and deal with new problems most everyday. You are constantly putting fires out that you could not see coming. You are constantly pleasing your Dom and WILL get his time and attention. Though you are instructed daily in what you will do or won’t do. You are actually investing in a relationship that you helped create and willingly chose! You don’t have a boss that won’t listen. You are always available to the ones you care about and most likely are a much happier person for you choices than the ‘pretty women’ is. Which by the way, if you have spoken too lately, I have found, not to be ‘pretty’ on the inside most of the time.
Just my perspective. (Not edited or reviewed either.)
Ooh. That’s a wonderful perspective, Matt. I’m definitely going to think on it some.
It certainly makes me appreciative of what I have. :)
Hi Carrie,
I have only commented here briefly in the past but this post and Kaya’s have both caught my attention and I wanted to,,,,I don’t know – empty my brain? I apologize in advance for it being long. I have been discussing this topic with a gentleman friend and it could be my reality one day; soooo, here goes.
I have been that pretty girl going off to her corporate job and I loved it. I love putting on a skirt, I love my heels and lord knows I love getting my hair done. When I opened my own firm and could dress however I decided? I still dressed up, still wore heels — even under the most inappropriate circumstances. I work from home now, yet I still do my face and do my hair. That is a girl thing.
Men? They notice — they notice when you don’t do it. They may not say anything but whether you are home or in the field; they notice a flat face as compared to the face with eyeliner and lipstick. Yes, it takes more effort and focus to dress it up when it is home all day and my audience is three cats and an ungrateful mailman — but that is an individual girls call. Most workplaces are far more casual then they were 20 even 10 years ago. Take a hard look at people next time you are out and about on errands. Those fancy dressed folks are on TV, not in real life. So, if you want to, pretty it up for you and your man. If you asked you dominant for the resources to do so, would it be possible? Or only if it is how he wants to see you?
I have friends that have stayed home at times and taken care of their families. It is something that is even possible for me for the future. I guess I am challenged by the idea that taking care of your family results in dumbing down. The idea that because you aren’t going out and participating in the workplace you are some how watching your brain turn to uninformed mush.
Gentleman friends of mine have mentioned their past relationships where the women were unhappy being home, felt undervalued, felt unfulfilled, looked down upon. Maybe I am missing something, but I see value in maintaining a peaceful welcoming home for you and yours. The fact that you can afford it is a gift from God.
I read Kaya and your blogs — not because of the harder BDSM stuff. (Honestly, sometimes I have to close my eyes and hit the forward key — I just blush) But I read your blogs because of how you interact with your husbands, and your kids, and the challenges you face in your world as submissive women loving dominant men.
So many women, in any and all types of relationships lie about what it takes to have a successful relationship. They obscure the warts and all side of their relationships. Y’all just put it out there. Love it or hate it — this is what mature women do to have successful relationships. Decide how you will live, and live it out. Commit to something and keep your word — no matter how painful or unhappy. This is how real-life happens, in all it’s honest glory.
You share hard-won wisdom about the realities of power-exchange relationships as compared to the fantasy-driven rantings of so many people on-line. More than many of these flowery worded women with the funny way of writing, you state plainly the pain and the pleasure of this type of relationship. With all due respect, your writings clearly display an intelligent, articulate witty woman who is by no means dumb, uninformed, unintelligent or a slowly regressing nincompoop.
Simple? Really? You think your brain is mushing up? Hah!!! Think again. What do you think people are discussing all day at work? Let me tell you, it is all industry specific, task oriented and mostly gossip. These working folks are different — they are focused on different topics but they are no more or less capable or intelligent than you. And you have the luxury of time.
There are submissive women out there who not only work, spending 12 – 14 hours a day outside of the home. And then they have to do everything you do too. Ask them if they feel like they are smarter? Or if they are just exhausted.
Here is the wild card or rather the dominant card. As submissive women, since you ladies spend a good amount of time at home; if you wanted to volunteer somewhere, create a business (other than the videos – ‘deep blushing’), develop an extensive fitness routine and take up marathon running; are these options available to you? Or are you restricted from any activity that interests you outside activities or tasks that revolve around your dominants desires?
Is it the feelings of the dominant partner that determine whether or not you feel valued? OR are you looking at the rest of the world and maybe seeing something that isn’t there? Do you recognize the value of your role, of your submission in the greater scheme of things?
All women aren’t doctor’s or lawyers, or running corporations, or fancy models. More women are working behind cash registers, answering phones in call centers — doing busy work somewhere. How stimulating do you think that stock job at the Walmart is?
If you were working outside of the home, would your house be as clean? I’ve hired housekeepers and I can still out-clean anyone who has ever worked for me. Would you eat as well? I wish I could spend a week with you and Kaya before I get married again to get that whole cooking thing down, lol. Would you have the hobbies that you have? Could you grow a garden? Would you be as good a friend, a lover, a family member? When you work outside of the home — you make concessions, there are trade-offs.
Don’t feel dumbed down because you don’t have a friggin’ daily commute. For goodness sakes, you have created a home for your husband, there is good food bubbling in a pot and whatever your interests are you have excelled at those.
Idk, I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately and now you girls brought it onto your blogs. I guess we don’t know till we know how a circumstance feels. But I don’t feel ‘simple’, I don’t see you as ‘simple’ so this leaves me perplexed.
Forgive me for being lazy, but I am going to comment at Kaya’s and use an edited version of this for her too. I want to understand, if you guys really feel this way or is this reflected back on you by others without an understanding or an appreciation of your contributions.
P
Hi,
I read Kaya’s post first and then came here from the comment. I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but I’m jealous of you both. I have been that pretty woman in the pretty suit racing through her day for way too long and it’s not made me happy. My job takes my attention from the people and things that really do matter to me.
I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say other than please don’t think that the grass is greener on the other side. And please don’t think that all of us who are out of the house all day every day don’t want to be at home. I look forward to the day when the smile on his face at the end of the day takes the place of my quarterly bonuses. It’s our ultimate goal.
I’ve babbled enough.
Blush
Oy. Lots said, too much to reply to in the short time have.
I think I mostly want to make sure people don’t think I’m saying career women have it better. That’s not what I meant at all. Just that, sometimes, I’m jealous of them having somewhere to go and something to stimulate them beyond what’s at home. Adult company and stopping off at Starbucks.
Those things are often missed when you’re stay at home.
I wouldn’t trade being able to stay home for anything.
The point was more about…
Hmm…
Lack of “world” things to stimulate the brain because it’s so focused on “home” stuff. Which often leaves us a little too thrilled with a new potato peeler or awesome microfiber duster or child’s toy/craft like kaya talked about…
Which, in turn, leaves us feeling a little simple.
Not that anyone makes us feel that way or that those who work have it better or easier…
Just a facet of all the many wholes.
We talk about chicken soup and look lost when y’all talk about that downed street light and backed up traffic cuz we didn’t see it. We’ve been cooking soup and making cinnamon candles….
Which feels a bit out of touch with the world, which can make you feel a little dumber than everyone else.
I know, in reality, I’m not dumb at all. Neither is kaya. In fact, I think she’s sharp as a tack (bra). :)
I know that wasn’t the point – but don’t you see – I admire you. I admire your conversations about chicken soup and making cinnamon candles (really? you do? That’s awesome and I want to learn how!). I would much rather know how to get the stain out of my bathroom tile than to know…hmmm…about geothermal heat pump systems or the need for non-wet fire protection in data centers. I’m not saying that he doesn’t value my work (or that I don’t – I really do), but it’s not the *most important* part of my life.
Sigh. I’m still not explaining myself and still sounding like a whining princess (heh).
I guess my point is this – you’re at a place where many wish to be – where the focus on your life is on your family and your home – the important parts of your life. And I admire you.