Expectations

(Wrote this a few days ago on the ibook and have just now gotten around to plugging it in to the modem to post it)

So, lately, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to expectations – just in general, really, but specifically the expectations we have of others. Because, face it, we all have expectations. And expecting certain things of ourselves is probably a good thing. But what of our expectations of others? Is it really fair to expect anything from anyone else?
Minor children, sure. We all have expectations of our children. That they obey, behave, get good grades, do their best, etc. And we all know that even those expectations get smashed at times. But with minor children we have some control over them. We can train and teach and raise them properly. We can punish them when our set expectations aren’t met. (I expect my son to not say the word fuck. I can beat him silly if he does.)
We expect certain things at our jobs. But those are agreed upon things. That we’ll get the wage we were promised, get paid for all the hours we work, get the vacation we’re allowed, etc. But, regardless of whether or not we have an actual employment contract, it’s basically a contract situation. We can expect to get what we signed up for and are pretty much justified in being upset if we don’t.
Our romantic relationships/marriages come with some expectations, too. We choose those who we feel can meet our expectations, we get into almost a verbal (or even written) contract with our spouses/partners. It’s not unreasonable to expect that your partner not cheat on you if you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship. There are also a lot of expectations that are not fulfilled. I can, for instance, expect Taylor home at ten and still have him show up at midnight. I can expect to get laid when I’ve been thinking about it all day and have bathed and gotten all pretty and sexy and still not get a piece because he comes home tired or cranky or simply doesn’t notice my mood.
I guess I feel like expectations are a dangerous thing. I feel like we really have no right to EXPECT anything from anyone but ourselves. We can hope, we can ask, we can do a lot of things – but to expect is to set yourself up for disappointment.

For instance -
My entire childhood I had this need to have a normal, happy, stress free Holiday. Just one. Any one. Christmas, Easter, Independence Day, Thanksgiving. It didn’t matter. I just wanted one nice holiday with no yelling, fighting or stress. I’d wake up with these really high expectations and end up just crushed by disappointment. Cuz my dad is a nervous wreck on holidays. (On any occasion, really. Weddings, funerals, doctors appointments, you name it) So he’d get agitated, nervous and cranky. The kids would irritate him. He’d feel pressured. And he’d start bitchin’ and hollerin’ and making everyone else as miserable as he was. But, ya see, I finally figured out how to just… let him be him and not let it bother me so much. I finally figured out that he wasn’t mad AT anyone, wasn’t really doing anything but blustering a lot – and if we just ignored it he eventually settled down and our day was just fine. When I let his bluster bother me, I was actually getting myself all damned upset and ruining my own day – all because I expected him to conform to my idea of a perfect day. Turns out we’ve had a whole lot of perfect days since I learned not to do that.
And it’s probably a good thing I finally figured that out because Taylor is much the same way. He’ll get irritated and cranky and short, he’ll bluster and raise his voice – but none of it means he’s mad AT me. None of it’s… personal. He’s just a blustery guy. I generally don’t let it get to me. It’s who he is. He’s never going to be different and if I expect him to behave in a manner that isn’t “him” then I’m simply setting myself up to be disappointed. He is who he is and I chose him – I have to accept him without expectations he can’t live up to.
Same goes for my kid. I love him. He’s a GREAT kid. But sometimes my expectations get me incredibly frazzled. He’s immature. He’s hyper. He’s not at all like I was as a child. And I realize that and, most times, it’s all good. But there are times when my expectations of him exceed his abilities and that’s NOT good. Now because he’s a child there are things I can do to help him live up to my expectations. I mean – I expect him to get decent grads. I don’t expect all A’s. That would be silly since he’s just never going to be that book smart. But I CAN expect him to get nothing worse than C’s. And I can help him to meet my expectations.
I guess it’s all about having reasonable expectations if you’re going to have them at all. I can reasonably expect that my cat will lay on my bed and look cute. I can’t expect her to turn pink to match my decor. (This is hypothetical. My bedroom is not pink)
And it seems to me like half the damned world has these absolutely unreasonable expectations of everyone else around them. And at the same time, everyone has stopped expecting much of themselves.

I guess I’m just different than most people. Life is going to happen – and I’m not going to like every minute of it. I don’t expect to. There are times I’m going to be bored and broke and pissed off and sad. There are times when I’m going to have to wait a really long time to get what I want, if I ever get it. There are, quite simply, just as many bad times as there are good. And THAT is what I expect – as well as expecting those good times to, generally, be of my own making. If I sit around expecting everyone else’s life to revolve around mine, expecting everyone to do exactly what I want them to do, expecting everyone else to make me happy…. it’s never going to happen. All I can do is accept those I choose to have in my life for who and what they are, realize that having them in my life can make my life happier but they don’t owe me anything, I can’t expect anything of them, and come to terms with the fact that if I can’t do something myself, if something I want or need hinges on one of those people then I need to be prepared to wait or possibly be disappointed.
Patience is a very important thing, I think.
As is acceptance. Acceptance without resentment or disappointment. It’s useless to say “Taylor’s a dick and I’ve accepted the fact that he’s always going to be a dick and make me miserable”. That’s not acceptance – that’s blame. That’s pointing a finger at someone else for not living up to your unreasonable expectations. Better to say “Taylor is Taylor – and though he can be a dick at times he doesn’t OWE me anything, he isn’t required to do a god damned thing for me other than exist and the only person who disappoints me is myself when I expect anything more. More is a bonus. More is really nice sometimes. But more has to come from him, when he wants to give more, not just because I expect, want or even need something”.

I dunno. I guess we all have expectations of those who are in our lives. And most times we’re reasonable and the expectations match up with the reality of the relationship dynamic we have with those people. And, truth is, if I have someone in my life who is always disappointing me or who cannot live up to my expectations of what a partner or family or friend is supposed to be I simply get them out of my life. I refuse to keep people in my life if they don’t “fit” it. If I can’t accept them for who they are, if I can’t accept the dynamic, if I can’t accept what they are or aren’t willing to give to the relationship – or if they can’t accept me – then it’s just never going to work and we’ll all be happier to just let it go.

I’ve accepted a lot about Taylor in the past four years. I’m daily learning to accept things about my son as he grows and changes. I’ve accepted each individual in my family for exactly who they are, faults as well as good, and I don’t get disappointed by their “failures” anymore. Because they aren’t failing. When I expect more than a person can give, when I expect a person to be someone other than who t
hey are, I’m the one who is failing.

Let’s say Taylor and I have planned to go shopping after he gets home from work. And he comes home tired and cranky and doesn’t want to go. Even though I’ve probably spent the day expecting us to go I don’t have a fit, I don’t sulk around the house, I don’t make a big issue out of it. I either go myself or I wait until a better day for us to do it together comes along. Nothing else I CAN do without making myself miserable. My expectations do not equal his reality and I can’t – you guessed it – expect them to.

I think a lot of the trouble is people want, want, want, want, want and want. And they’ve forgotten that want does NOT equal need. I think we can reasonably expect those we love to help us meet our needs if they can. But how often do we see people putting their god damned needs aside for something they want? Wants are more important. They take precidence. And that’s just fucking ridiculous.
Aw, fuck it. I’ve rambled enough for one day and I’m just confusing myself.
Besides…
Maybe I’m the stupid one for having all sorts of people in my life who I can’t expect anything from. :)