“…look at the way she trembles, even now, caught between fear and desire.” ~Delauney, “Kushiel’s Dart”

Fear…
It’s such a huge part of the “play” of BDSM, such a huge and integral – for me – part of the power games we play. (Not that the power dynamic is a game. In daily life it is very real and very normal. I speak only of the things we do for fun, to get our dicks hard and our panties wet, to satisfy the darker urges, of the things that are not a part of daily life but are scenes, sessions, small moments in time when high levels of intensity are not only tolerable but desirable. We can’t live daily life with that level of feverish energy.)

Play, scenes, S&m… all that stuff is just boring to me without some level of fear, nervousness, anxiety, loss of control – true loss of control, true fear. A mindfuck. Without the mindfuck, the emotional roller coaster to go along with the physical sensation, the pain games are just… meaningless sensation that my mind can’t process in a way that makes sense.
It’s like…
Okay…
Yeah…
Why am I doing this again?

I need, need, need, need, need the headgames, the lowering of myself to some seldom visited dark pit of my psyche, the fear. Those are the things that make me tremble and shudder, that make my teeth chatter and my panties wet, my legs weak and my head spin.

Don’t get me wrong. I love tender, sweet things. I love a quickie. I love romance. But fear and desire go hand in hand with more intensity than anything else.

Tender will make me weep and lose myself in some pretty amazingly intense emotions. I’ll surrender to tenderness when it’s acute and intentional and MEANT to make me surrender. But fear and being out of control of any part of myself will always, always make me desire…
Want.
Ache.
Need.