When I talk, especially when I’m excited, I am very animated.  In fact, candid pictures of me generally turn out awful; I am too in motion for the camera to catch.

I often come across as hyper to people who know me online or who have only seen me in groups where I tend to feed off the energy of others, pick up on it and react to it by being more energized and animated myself.

At home, though…

I am a very still person.

My brain goes a million miles a minute most times but my body is quite still.

I can – and do – sit in the same position for hours.  No foot jiggling, no finger tapping, no hair twirling, no bouncing.

I am not restless.  And yet I am.  Restless in brain more than body, I guess.

My mind, my thoughts, will flit from one place to another, rarely stopping for long.  Sometimes I can’t even remember what I was thinking about 45 seconds ago because the chain of thought took such a wacky turn, because my thoughts are like hummingbirds, butterflies, barely setting down before taking off again.

My brain is like that today.  I want to write something. I want to say something profound.  I want to dig deep and find an emotion. I want to rant or bitch.

Instead I start to type but then end up googling spicy eggnog k cups or staring at a quote site for half an hour or thinking about my Christmas list or zoning at the candles flicking on my desk and pondering…  I don’t know what.

I can’t still my brain long enough to actually think anything.

I have stuff I want to write about monogamy.  Stuff I want to write about choices.  Stuff I want to write about greed.  I want to write about turning 41 and celebrating 9 years with one man.  Stuff I want to write about…

Just stuff, damn it.

My brain flutters so fast lately that even actually talking is ridiculous.  I mix up words!

I say things like…  ”You used to lay on the tv and watch the floor with the dogs” instead of “lay on the floor and watch tv.”   Everyone does it but, I swear, I do it 100 times a day lately.

It’s weird.  I want to still my brain but I don’t want to blank it, which is what too often happens.  When it stops, it’s a big old blank.

Stop, damn it.  Stop ON something. Focus.

I have none.

Which makes me wonder if I’m subconsciously avoiding thinking about something.

Ahhh.

Now that’s a thought.