So I was editing video today and I got to thinking…
Knives (or, more precisely, knife play with Taylor) scare the shit out of me.
Not just sometimes.
Every.
Fucking.
Time.
He can take a scalpel to me. Cut lovely designs in me. It relaxes me to a wonderful, lethargic state.
But bring out a knife? My eyes go wide, my teeth are usually chattering in moments, my throat works convuslively, my breathing hitches and stutters.
With scalpels… he’s actually cutting me! Then again, I also know he’s cutting in a controlled way in a “safe” place.
With knives? He sometimes cuts and sometimes doesn’t. That alone keeps me on edge. But it’s more than that.
It’s the tip sitting right along side my fucking eyeball or in a nostril. The slide of it along my nipple when he’s looking at my face. The pressure of it against my throat. Feeling the cuts but not knowing how deep they are. Knowing, with every breath, that he could fuck up. That I could move wrong and he could plunge that knife into my eye or my carotid or thru my nose. That he could take off a nipple. That an intented shallow cut could turn out to be something much worse.
Lack of trust?
You betcha.
Completely trusting anyone with a knife is foolhardy, in my opinion.
We’ve never had an “accident”. He’s never actually cut my throat or poked my eye. But I know, each second that the knife is sitting there, that he could. He might.
And worse? Part of him would like to.
When he’s holding a knife I always get the feeling that the extreme sadist in him is on it’s very shortest, tightest leash and the dark desire to fucking HURT me is simmering so close to the surface that the wisps of steam are almost tangible.
It makes me wonder…
Those who say knife play doesn’t scare them…
What the hell are they doing? How can it be so damned different than what I/we do? Why is it such a trigger for my fear?
How can someone have an actual knife blade up their coochie and NOT faint?
I’d faint.
Anyhow…
New clip up. Obviously it’s a knife clip.
And the obligatory pictures. :)
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I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
just popped in between puppy checks…
i love knives. well, ok, i hate ‘knives’, but with greg using them i like them.
just the opposite of you it seems.
imo i think it is the part of your dynamic that you fear taylor that you fear the knife with him.
i am opposite that. i fear the knife iteself but in his hand i am calm.
put it in another’s hand and i would panic.
i need that sense of calm in my relationship, you need that touch of fear. you need to know that it ‘could’ happen, and i need to know it ‘can’t’ … not to say i would expect no accidents, but i can accept an accident…from him. anyone else and i would doubt the accidental part. with him, i know it would be. i can easily get over that…yes, i know what i am saying… :-)
put a scalpel next to me and you will have a fight on your hands….i think you might understand why… a scalpel is a totally different thing for me.
knives….real, large, sharp, icky knives, those i hate to even look at really, but it is different when he is in control of it. i know he would cut himself before he let it cut me…really cut me…nips and scratches get me gooey, but a real stitches-causing cut, i know he would not do. that is why i can say that i like knife play and do not really fear it. it is stimulating to me.
you have a fear of taylor (that you say you need to have), i have a calmness of greg (that i need to have) and i believe that that is where the difference lies…
(shrug) just my opinion…