Icon by Danae
Every time I see a discussion titled slave vs submissive, I damned near get lock jaw from clenching my teeth so hard.
I am not about to get into the debate regarding what the difference is. As far as I’m concerned, there freakin’ isn’t one. Not in the way most folks mean when they talk about it. People are different and they behave in different manners and the stupid labels are just that. Stupid labels.
I’d probably be more label friendly if people used… you know… real, dictionary definitions for shit. But noooooooooo. They’ve got to make stuff up. I can accept submissive being used as a noun. I mean, hell, language does that. If Google can be used as a verb then, fuck it, submissive can certainly be used as a noun.
Taylor and I use dominant and submissive as our labels cuz they describe our personality traits. We consider him my owner and me owned by him. We don’t use master and slave as labels, ever. Mostly cuz we just don’t like the words. Too much online association with them. Too much bullshit debate over whether you can consent to being a slave and whatnot. Blah blah blah.
Back to my original point cuz I’ve wandered.
There’s a couple of discussions going on – as usual – on Fetlife titled slave vs submissive. And it irks the shit out of me.
Why is it a competition? How can you say you’re not implying superiority of one over the other when you use the term “vs”? When what you’re saying implies that one is more than the other? Better than the other?
If you say that a submissive makes a choice each time she’s asked to do something but a slave makes one choice, one time, that covers everything…
You’re in essense saying that a slave’s master has more power – more complete power, at least – than a submissive’s dominant. Which makes the slave more surrendered than the submissive.
Which is shit.
Because…
Oh. Back to this. We’re all different. We all choose different labels. And, you guessed it, we all define those labels differently. Because, you know, the dictionary is worthless.
The difference between people and relationships has fucking nothing to do with the label.
Some folks only submit during play or sex. I’ve seen them call themselves slaves. I’ve seen them call themselves submissives. I’ve seen them call themselves bottoms.
Some folks bottom/play/submit to various people with various relationships with each individual. Just met that night or have a long standing play relationship or whatever, I’ve still seen this type of person call themselves… you guessed it… slaves, submissives and bottoms.
Some folks only do the whole BDSM thing online. And, yanno what? They, too, call themselves slaves, submissives and bottoms, dependent upon the word they like and how they define it in their little world.
Some folks see each other on weekends and vacations. They do more than play, they practise a power exchange (I hate that term, too) of sorts or a complete one while they’re together. Some even practice it long distance while they’re apart. And. Oh Em Gee. They call themselves slaves or submissives or bottoms, too. And, yet again, it’s all based on how they feel about the particular words and how they define them.
Some folks live together day in and day out. They consider themselves to be in a 24/7 power based relationship. And they too consider themselves slaves or submissives or thralls or kajira or purple cunt lipped jabberwocky.
So. Yeah. Slave vs submissive? It doesn’t fucking work you stupid twits. It’s a non issue. It’s tiring. It’s brain fodder for the lame brained.
It’s a fucking cop out and a fucking excuse to feel superior and make others feel inferior; to make comparisons that don’t need to be made.
I absolutely never focus on advice for those new to BDSM. I’m too old and too jaded and I’ve been doing this too damned long to give good advice to newbs. They never believe me, anyhow.
But I’m going to hand out this little pearl and hope someone, somewhere, believes it and benefits from it.
There is no versus. There is no rule. There is no us and them.
You are what you are.
Quit wasting your time trying to define a word that’s already got a valid definition and find someone who feels like you do, settle down, live, love, laugh, play and enjoy the wonder of a good match.
You will no longer give a shit about slave vs submissive.
And when you find folks arguing about it? You’re not going to win. You don’t need to fight. Just be.
11 Comments
Join the conversation and post a comment.
Leave a Comment
Follow Me!
I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
I’m not going to say anything, I’m just going to applaud. :-)
Eliot’s last blog post..RFF: Truly butchtastic
Well said. Labels only work where they have meaning. In order to have meaning, they have to be agreed upon. Since the meaning is not agreed upon, the label is useless.
Exactly!
Thank you :)
I’m a fan of Bakthin and heteroglossia, which essentially says that languages and vernaculars are so layered and complicated and constantly-changing that it’s nigh on impossible for us to pin down language outside of a text. And I have my own person theory that we each have our vernacular. Hence, words like “submissive” and “slave” have different meanings, connotations, and connections to different people; and yet, in an attempt to understand each other, we must connect words we know others find similar to make our own connections and continue communication. In other words, people need to stop splitting hairs between words like “submissive,” “slave,” and “bottom” in the broad-reaching scheme unless they intend to explain how they differentiate the three on a personal level.
Backseat Boohoo’s last blog post..Tantus Small Silk
Yup. And it makes no sense to argue or debate what those (or any, really) words mean to folks cuz there’s no winner. It’s all too personal. If you’re not going to change someone’s mind or make them believe you’re right and they’re wrong, why get into all sorts of emotional, crazy arguments over it? Just understand what they mean for themselves and move along with the conversation! Lol
I’ll have you know that there is a HUGE difference between subs and slaves and I know because I have read The Big Book of BDSM several times now and I have a degree at BDSM U in BDSM Philosophy, with BDSM Psychology as my minor, *AND* I have written several books on the topic, in fact, it was *I* who coined the now ubiquitous term, WWASVASD (What Would A Slave Vs. A Sub Do) in my last bestselling novel, “How To Do D/s My Way”, so I’m an authority.
Besides, I said so, that’s why. ;P
I wish you would have commented on that thread with what you wrote above because I agree 1 million percent but I know it’s useless, I used to go there and although I had fun within our little group, the rest of it just drove me nuts. I’m with you, of course, who CARES?
But of course, the ones who care, well, it’s part of their fetish. That’s why they care so much and why all the terms are so hotly debated. Have you noticed that the ones who tend to get the most worked up have the least amount of face-to-face D/s in their lives? The terms are SO important because they don’t have much else to identify themselves with.
We’re like you in that we call each other dominant and sub (if we must) because master and slave is just too wrapped up with online BS and it’s wearying to say the least. I still remember how it was pretty much the other way around back in 2002/2003, there were more sub women doing this kind of thing than slave women, then suddenly it exploded in the other direction as more and more people got into the online thing.
Still don’t see much of a difference and one of my very first posts on my first blog stated that.
Dan owns my ass and that’s that. We’re more interested in the *how* of it than naming it. The doing it, not debating it and what it means or doesn’t mean, oy, that stuff makes my head hurt.
Amber’s last blog post..I Am
Ok. You made me laugh out loud with that reply, Amber.
Seriously laugh out freaking loud. :)
yes, well, your “purple cunt lipped jabberwocky” made me spit out my coffee. hehehe…
Amber’s last blog post..I Am
I am immediately demanding FetLife add purple cunt-lipped jabberwocky to the label choices offered. :)
Laurel’s last blog post..Evolved Delight Review at Edenfantasys.com
While I do think there is a difference, there is a difference for me. Just like there is a different difference for person X, Y, and Z. It’s silly to think that my definition of slave/sub is going to be the same as 250,000+ people! When those threads pop up it is one of those things where you have to rub your temples because the headache is already starting. People deem themselves slave who are only online, or only in the bedroom. While that doesn’t fit *my definition*, it fits theirs. Who am I to argue if it works for them? So many people are so quick to shove their own way of working things down other people’s throats. The reason that I’m not in person X, Y, or Z’s relationship, is because it probably wouldn’t work for me. Let what works for you, work for you. Doesn’t matter about labels. Geesh, you would think this kind of stuff is common sense…