Review

Let’s talk about kegels, shall we?  You know, those wonderful little squeezing exercises we do to keep our pussy tight and our bladder from leaking when we sneeze?  Yeah.  Those.

I’ve been having a hell of a time with them in the last couple years.  I find myself not being able to squeeze as hard as I used to.  I find myself dribbling when I sneeze or when I try to make coffee before that first morning pee.  And while Taylor hasn’t complained that fucking me is like throwing a pickle down a hallway I was getting a little afraid he would be if I didn’t do something soon.

I can hear some of you gasping.  "Oh, my goodness, how can she admit she doesn’t have an Industrial Strength Pussy?  We must all, at all times, pronounce our pussy to be tighter than the fist of God!"

Bah.

I’ve had a child.  Plenty of lovers.  I’ve had a fist or two in there.  (NO, not at the same time!) I’m almost forty years old.  My female bits have been giving me grief for a couple years now.  Taylor and I have crazy rough sex that I know is not good for those muscles.  (Just like a regular workout. One should stretch first.  Ramming a dick into an unprepared pussy is as bad for the pelvic floor muscles as lifting weights without stretching.  Fun and rough and joyously painful but not exactly the best way to keep the old snooch in shape, yanno?)

So.  I decided I was going to start exercising those muscles more.  I started wearing my vaginal balls around the house more often.  And, you know, they sort of work.  They certainly make you aware of your pussy and cause you to clench those muscles more often than you would without them.  But it wasn’t enough.  I want the pussy of a twenty year old, damn it.  Super pussy.

So I got the Energie from EdenFantasys.  The Energie is a vaginal exerciser from Natural Contours. (The folks who make the Ideal massager) It’s seven inches long and weighs a full pound.  It’s dual sided; one side has a larger girth than the other but the largest diameter is an inch and a half.  It’s pale green plastic and shaped in a very ergonomic c curve.

The idea behind vaginal barbells is that doing kegels with something to squeeze around allows us to squeeze with more focus; the added weight is rather like any weight training – you’re going to get stronger muscles doing bicep curls with weight than without.  It’s recommended that you start with the larger end of the exerciser since the smaller end has less weight – hence you’re "lifting" less when the smaller end is outside your vagina – and the larger end is easier for slack muscles to grip and to progress to the smaller end when you’ve built up your muscle tone.

The instructions that come with the Energie say you should lay back, knees bent, feet flat on the floor/bed, back propped by some pillows and slowly insert the Energie about an inch into the vagina.  Isolating just the vaginal muscles you then clench those muscles around the exerciser, squeezing and pulling up with the muscles for a few seconds before releasing.  Relax, then insert a bit more of the barbell, repeating until full insertion has occured.  Relax, then clench down again as you withdraw the Energie and start over.

You’re supposed to do this for ten minutes a day, every day, until you’ve developed good muscle tone; then five minutes a day to maintain.

Natural Contours recommends squeezing for thirty seconds.  Most other vaginal exercisers say 6 seconds.  I squeeze for as long as I can without tensing my stomach, thighs or buttock muscles, then release. (Cuz you don’t want to squeeze with those muscles.  Just your PC muscle!)

So.  How’s it work, right?  I’ve only had it a few days so I can’t give you concrete results or anything.  I’ll do a follow up review in a month – then another in three – so we can see if I stuck with it and how it worked.  But so far?  Oh my gods.  It really feels like it’s working my muscles.  When I clench and withdraw the barbell I can feel it dragging, feel the resistance. I get all excited and the ten minutes pass by very quickly as I lay there telling myself "yessss! Super pussy, here we come!".

The plastic is hard but not uncomfortable.  It’s cool but not cold and it warms to the body pretty quickly. The initial coldness is actually good since it enables you to really feel what you’re clenching around.  The curve in the shaft makes it unimaginably comfortable and easy to use.

It’s heavy so I’ve been holding the uninserted end with my fingertips as I use it.  The directions don’t state whether you should hold it with your hands or try to hold it with your pussy.  Maybe when I have that super pussy I’ll be able to let go with my fingers but until then, I’m holding it or it just slips out.  The instructions also don’t tell you which way to put it in; curve up or curve down.  I’ve been doing both.  It feels very different depending on which way the curve is pointed so I alternate to get maximum benefit out of it.

I’ve also found that you don’t have to really "insert another inch" because as you squeeze and release the toy is naturally drawn into your body a bit with each repetition.  At least, that’s how it works for me.  Not sure if it’s the same for everyone.

I’m extremely excited about this product.  It feels far, far more effective than vaginal balls or kegels without anything to squeeze around, which makes me want to use it every day like I’m supposed to.

The Energie is weighted plastic so it’s non porous and phthalate free.  There is a visible seam along the sides from the molding of the toy but it’s a closed seam.  It cannot be felt when inserted.  In fact, I can barely feel it with a finger run along the shaft. 

The exerciser came in a sturdy, nice looking blue plastic box with an insert to hold it in place for safe storage.

Clean the Energie with warm water and soap or by wiping down with alcohol.  Water based, silicone or oil based lubes can be used with plastic but I wouldn’t recommend oil for vaginal use and the Energie isn’t created to be safe anally since there is no large base or flange.

I haven’t tried using the Energie as a "sex toy" yet but I’ve read other reviews that claim it’s an excellent g spot dildo as well as an exerciser.  Personally, I’m trying to think of it as a tool rather than a toy so that I actually DO the exercises.

Anyhow…

I’ll get back to y’all in a month or so, let you know how I’m progressing.

Until then I’ve got that song by The Who stuck in my head and it will not go away!

"Mama’s got a squeeze box. Daddy never sleeps at night. Well the kids don’t eat. And the dog can’t sleep. There’s no escape from the music. In the whole damn street. ‘Cause she’s playing all night. And the music’s all right. Mama’s got a squeezebox. Daddy never sleeps at night. She goes in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out. She’s playing all night. And the music’s all-tight. Mama’s got a squeeze box. Daddy never sleeps at night"

Pictures behind the cut.

$43.99Energie™ Vaginal exerciser by Natural contours Material: Plastic Safety: Buy from EdenFantasys