“i can’t get all involved in what is ‘protocol’ and what is not… good grief, relationships are hard enough… i frankly just prefer to please my partner and follow his lead, regardless of what it is… isn’t that what D/s is, after all?”
~ Stacey
Sittin’ here with a cup of french vanilla sweetened Sumatra, totally unable to sleep cuz I took a three hour nap earlier and I got to thinking…
…and decided to blog.
I was recently asked to kind of… hmmm… sum up our relationship by someone who is trying to figure out how to incorporate 24/7 D/s into their everyday family life – and I’ve been having a hell of a time trying to find the right words to do it. So when I ran across the quote above (in my ungodly vast collection of useful quotes – I have this… thing… for quotes. They get me thinking when I’m otherwise stalled for a topic or words and they’re great ammunition in a debate. Lol) I realized that was pretty much it in a nutshell.
There just isn’t anything complicated, for me, in integrating D/s into everyday life.
Taylor and I have both been “doing this” most of our adult lives, in one way or another. Between the two of us we have 30 years experience. We’d known each other in a casual, friendly, online way for years before we ever met. (For those who don’t know we were introduced by a mutual online friend who begged us both to come visit her for her birthday. Two weeks later Taylor came here for a ten day visit. Five weeks after that he moved in. Lol) We’re basically very compatible. We have our issues, our differences, like any couple, but for the most part we want the same things.
Both of us are into S & m and that is a part of our lives – but a minor one. It’s play – not the essence of our relationship.
We’re both into B and d, as well. But, again, it’s a small part of our daily lives, not the basis of our lives.
Our relationship is based on D/s and, for us, it doesn’t “interfere” with daily life at all. We slid into it seamlessly, because it’s all we’d ever known with each other – and our ideas of what 24/7 D/s is are very compatible.
For us, it is about service, submission and obedience. It is about Domination without micro-management. It’s about having someone to give a shit if I’ve done something wrong (or right), someone to guide me and support me when I need it, someone who appreciates (and expects) the support and ease I add to his life. It’s a trade off – both getting what we need in an imbalanced power structure.
I don’t WANT to be the one with the last word, the one all decisions hinge upon. I CAN be. I have been. I feel more comfortable with someone else in the position of ultimate power. He, on the other hand, wants to be that person with the power and control. He may not exercise it on a daily basis, he may indulge me a bit of control over household things, he may appreciate my strengths and use them accordingly – in a way that appears less than dominating to those who are stuck in a strict definition of D/s. But he is always, always, always the one with the final say. He’s the head of our household, the axis of my world.
Incorporating that into our daily lives is relatively simple.
We have few rules – and the ones we have cover a broad base of things, not tiny details.
I take care of the house – do the traditional “woman’s work”. That’s okay with me. I enjoy and NEED to take care of my home and my family.
I make his meals and serve them to him.a (No, not some elaborate, fantasy based serve. I dish out the food and hand him his plate. Nothing that would make anyone – strangers, friends or family – lift a brow.) I do his laundry and clean his house. I run his errands if he wants me to. I consult him before I go anywhere, make sure it’s okay. Not because he feels some silly need to exert his dominance by saying “no” on occasion but, because it’s my job to serve and please him, it may not be convenient for me to go at that time. I run his bath and scrub him down if he wants me to. I pick his books – and get them tossed at my head if they suck. Lol. I’m not allowed to say shut up or use the word bastard. I’m expected to fuck when he wants to fuck, shop when he wants to shop and wander around the junkyard in the rain – even if I don’t really want to. (Though valid, viable reasons why I can’t or why it would be more sensible if I didn’t are always considered)
Basically – I make his life easier. And that is very fulfilling for me. I am happy when I am taking care of him and our home.
And what does he give me? He’s the person that is always there for me – even when it’s in ways I don’t understand. He’s the one person in my life who tells me when I’ve fucked up and DOES something about it. He gives me love and caring and appreciation for the care I give him – even when that appreciation comes in the form of simply continuing to allow me to do it.
It sounds messed up to a lot of people. But it’s the structure that makes me happy, it’s what I need. I can’t explain D/s itself to those who don’t already understand it. I can’t make those women who rant and rave about how strong they are and how abused I am understand that I do what I do because *I* need it, not because he forces me to. I can’t make those who have no interest in power exchange relationships suddenly begin to believe in them. And I don’t want to. I just want to explain what I do and how it works so nearly effortlessly in combination with the vanilla world around us.
Taylor doesn’t smack me around, leash me to the sink or, generally, behave in the manner of any Dominant you may have read about in a book. We don’t live fiction, we don’t consider the “play” aspects of BDSM to be much of a part of our daily D/s.
I occasionally kneel or curl up at his feet. It’s natural for me, for us, and not at all ‘showy” or conspicuous. I defer to him in public but I’ve never been questioned about it so, obviously, it’s not an affront to anyone we know. I used to wear a collar daily but it broke and we haven’t replaced it. I wear an engagement ring now, instead – and a collar on occasion when one of us feels a need for it. (With the mass amount of collar wearing goths, teens, punks and even girly girls trying to look bad, it’s never been looked at askanse) But, for the most part, we don’t need a lot of public, overt displays of our relationship. We already know exactly who and what we are, how it works for us and don’t particularly need constant reminders or “shows” of power and surrender. It all just flows.
We also tend to hang around primarily folks who we’re comfortable being “out” to. We’re very lucky in that our families get it. His mom had years before he met me to get used to it and my parents, while they have a very basic knowledge of the sexual side of things and think we’re a little weird, also fully approve of our core relationship. They find it traditional and comforting. Our friends are primarily in the lifestyle or ride motorcycles. Lol. And those who wouldn’t “get it” are simply not told anything. And perhaps it’s just that it comes so naturally to us that it isn’t very noticeable (our power dynamic) but we’re really never questioned.
I’m allowed a voice in our lives and the decisions made in them. He values my opinion, values my intelligence, values my experience – yet he makes the final decision, using my input or not, as he sees fit. And I agreed to that – and to everything involved in our daily lives – when we first became involved.
I’ve given him blanket consent – so he doesn’t require consent on a daily, individual basis. And while many peo
ple don’t understand it, I even enjoy having to do things I really don’t want to do. I enjoy it not because I really WANT that green rug or to have dinner with the Jones’ or to drop him off at home then run back to the store we’ve just passed by, wasting my damned time – but because the surrender and submission involved in giving him what he wants – and the happiness that comes with it – fulfills my needs as well.
Submitting to his will has little to do with hair pulling, dirty whispers in my ear or being a human footstool. It’s about easing all the little aspects of daily living, serving and obeying even when it’s hard – and knowing he is always there, the rock, the leader, the light and dark in my life.
Play has it’s place. The intense feelings of the physical stuff have their time and place. But we DO have to exist in the vanilla world. We DO have a thirteen year old wandering thru our days. :) And that stuff isn’t, to us, D/s.
D/s is me – pleasing my partner and following his lead, regardless of what it is.
And I thank Stacy, whomever Stacy may be, for the lovely and logical quote.
~peace
I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
Follow Me!