Neurotic…

“I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”
~Anais Nin

Um…
Yeah. Makes sense to me. :)

So much of what we do isn’t ordinary. And once we’ve loosed that part of ourselves that might have fit in with the ordinary world it is incredibly difficult to go back.
We can still disguise ourselves, exist in costumed harmony with the ordinary folks — but we always have a secret. Our secret lives, our secret selves, our secret needs and desires that scream and claw to be uncaged when we spend too long with ordinary men and women.
But we can’t completely bury it. We can’t go back to being what we used to be.

I once read the words “You can’t go back to just holding hands”. It is the same, to me, with D/s and BDSM. Once you have opened yourself to that power based life, to the inequality of the D/s power dynamic, to the freedom of knowing exactly what your place is in your life, your world — it only feels empty and insufficient to search for equality. Once you have found the way to ecstasy, to those deep and churning waters of emotional release and completion, is there any way to ever be fulfilled by less? You cannot go back to just holding hands.

Does that make us neurotic, psychotic, unwell?
Neurotic, maybe. {A mental or personality disturbance not attributed to any known neurological or organic disfunction} That makes sense. It is a bit of a disturbance. It’s not quite “normal”. But is anyone normal? Doesn’t everyone have a neurosis?

I think we’re healthy, happy, sound human beings who have found an odd way to be so. Was I happy before D/s? Of course. Sometimes. As happy? As complete? No… I don’t believe so.

I was often anguished, I often tormented myself with situations that were bound to hurt me. I was searching, searching, seeking – and never finding, never fulfilled for long, always winding up empty and confused.
The best times of my ordinary or vanilla life I can honestly say were times of distress, hurt, anguish. Those were the times when I FELT something, something intense and strong and consuming.
Before BDSM, before D/s – the search for intensity, for some way to FEEL was a constant, incomprehensible struggle.

Now…
I live in my own world – with occasional peeks out at the normal folk.
I am adjusted to myself.
And I feel…
Ecstasy.
Ecstasy in the form of pleasure and pain and powerlessness. In the form of boundaries and rules, rewards and punishments, confusion amidst surety, intense highs as well as lows….

Neurotic?
Yes, thank you.

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