No so much

So.

You know that fantasy so many of us have about being beaten (or spanked), fucked and walked away from like it was nothing more than a coffee break?  Like we’re just a pocket pussy, a toy to get him off and when he’s done we may as well not exist?  Or something of that nature?

That sort of “treatment” has always been a huge turn on for me.  It makes me feel all owned and used and in my place.

But lately?  Not so much.

Lately, it happens a lot. And not in that intentional, set out to make me feel owned and used and in my place sort of way.  Lately, it’s more like it’s just the norm, like I truly don’t deserve anything more, like sex is truly just something to get him off and he’s done.

And I feel utterly disconnected.

I can’t get into a spanking because I know it’s going to be over too soon or he’s just going to finish and be done and…  that’s it.

I can’t get into fucking for the same reason.  Sure, I get off.  Physically it still feels good.  But at the same time I’m disconnected, holding most of myself back cuz there’s next to no foreplay to get me really ramped up and then, when he’s done…  that’s it.  He goes off to work on something or turns the tv on or plays a game and doesn’t even hear me if I talk.  Snuggling or us time?  Fuck it.  It’s not gonna happen.

And it’s not an intentional thing designed to make me feel good things.  It’s just a… 

I dunno.

Like I truly AM just a toy to be set away to gather dust until he wants some kool aid or dinner.

And you know what?

I don’t like it.

When it’s a fantasy or used with intent it’s hot as hell.  When it’s unintentional and begins to feel like a true meter of my value?  It sucks ass.

I’m disconnected.  Numb.  I don’t give much of a shit about anything at all and can’t work up much emotion about anything at all except to be incredibly angry inside most of the time and inexplicably bitchy to those around me.  Like if I let go of the brittle anger that’s holding me together I’ll snap.

The rest of life?  It’s pretty much peachy. But this is eating at me and eating at me and I’m playing the “c’mon, Asshole, when are you going to fucking notice what you’re doing?” game rather than tell him.

Cuz, yanno…  he’s supposed to fucking give a shit, right?

And then he talks about forced dick sucking and whatnot and all I can think is…

What the fuck is WRONG with you????????????  How am I going to come back from the emotional upheaval of that if you’re not even there for me when it’s just us??????????????????????????????????????  Or…  suppose he’s all supportive after something like that.  Then what?  What does that say about my value?  And how can you actually think I’d be turned on by it and secretly enjoying being forced when you can’t even tell my head is all fucking messed up as it IS?

*sigh*

I know it’s just a really tough time for him with his bipolar.  This time of year always is.  I’ve learned to make allowances and not take it personally because he really can’t help it most times.

Then again…

Would he excuse someone the same behavior if it were a stranger speaking this stuff, asking advice on a forum or something?

I dunno.

I don’t care.

I’m gonna go eat some soup.

ps. Don’t bother to comment about how abusive this relationship is or how I should leave him or any of that crap. Our relationship doesn’t work that way and, entering our eighth year together, I’m not about to walk out on what’s mostly good and what WILL get better eventually.  It’s an ebb and flow thing and if you don’t like it or don’t understand it or can’t say something constructive…  bugger off and don’t way anything, k?

Thanks.