So the squeaky clean ass has not been taken advantage of. I’ll likely be taking care of it once again tonight. (No, I don’t have an enema fetish. Just an ungodly sluggish metabolism and digestive tract and a true loathing for leaving shit on his dick. I love anal sex but when all I can think of is “oh my gods, what if????” I don’t enjoy it much so… I clean.)
Of course, not much else has been taken advantage of, either.
Like his days off while the kid is in school where we could be doing all sorts of dirty, kinky, painful stuff.
Are we?
Nah.
Do I accept that as “the way it is” sometimes?
Sure. He’s the boss and if he’s not in the mood it’s simply not gonna happen.
Do I accept it gracefully?
Unfortunately no.
I’d love to be miss perfect and still be whistling happy slave tunes even when my needs are getting overlooked and trampled into the carpet with the dog hair and dust but perfect I’ll never be.
*sigh*
I’m resentful and irked by it and I know that’s showing.
Sex turns into some sort of pure vanilla, put out housewife event with me staring into space wishing I’d gotten some spectacular foreplay. My cunt and hormones may betray me in the end, I may still end up getting off and resentfully enjoying it but even when we’re done I’m thinking about what I didn’t get out of it.
Not for foreplay of the traditional sort. Not for hours of kissing and petting and a good pussy licking before he puts it in but for five or ten minutes with a cane or a belt, a few slaps in the face and a few clothespins, a few tears, a warmed and tender ass to go along with the fucking.
*sigh*
It really sucks when our needs get out of sync like this.
I guess, tonight, while I’m doin’ my thing, I should also spend some time refocusing and getting myself into high service mode.
I know that getting more and more antsy over my needs just leads me to be shrewish and bitchy with him and that certainly never leads to getting those needs met.
The only way to do it at this point is to focus myself.
A happy Owner generally means a happy girl so…
Clean ass, hot bath, some meditation, some pilates/yoga/crap to stretch the bad energy out of my body and perhaps the less agitated me will inspire him to do evil things.
He’ll be out on a job for 12 to 24 hours so I have plenty of time to adjust my attitude.
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I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
I wonder if I just got to a place where I stopped wanting it. Or.. got so good at stuffing it down that I don’t feel it anymore.
Because I know exactly what you are talking about; that deep, keening NEED. I’ve felt it, struggled with it, buried it, given in to it, did the whole rainbow of things with it…
But I don’t feel it that way anymore. I still desire those things, but that twisting, writhing hunger isn’t there.
I don’t even know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
First of all, please know that you’re not alone. I still long for him to use the rope, the belt, or any one of our other deviant tools with me even though I know that maybe it’s not so much his style anymore. People change and sometimes it starts being something deeper.
The need is there. Lots of needs are there. Overshadowing so many things is the need to have him be the Dominant he once was. It’s been so long now that I wonder if it’s even possible.
I don’t ask anymore. I don’t mention it to him. I took the colorful ropes and the leash/collar combo off the headboard where they collected dust and put it in the wardrobe. Like kaya, I don’t know if I’ve stopped wanting it or just started getting better at denying it.
Stay strong and as I’m trying to do, bring the focus inward. Then all I know to do is hope for the best.