So, lots of talk lately about cheating.
Honestly? I just don’t give a shit. I’ve cheated. I’ve been cheated on. I’m in a relationship now where cheating isn’t even part of our vocabulary, where it’s not even really possible in any standard sense of the word.
But what I do care about is this insane idea that cheating is somehow okay because it happens so often, because people are human and bound to err, because it was an accident or there were reasons for it. Not even that it was okay but that the cheater — or person cheating with the cheater — need not accept any blame.
Really?
We’re advocating not taking responsibility for our actions now?
I don’t get it. Not at all. I’ve spent nearly 17 years teaching my son to take responsibility for his actions, to accept blame when he’s done wrong, even if there were good reasons for it. Reasons — or excuses and rationalizations — do not negate blame.
Blame is an accusation that you are responsible for something, for some lapse or misdeed.
Is cheating not a lapse or misdeed? If it weren’t, it wouldn’t be called cheating. It would be called sport fucking or polyamory or… something other than cheating. Cheating is to be unfaithful, to be deceitful. Having a good reason for doing so, having excuses and justifications doesn’t negate the act itself, doesn’t negate that you have done it.
Having done it, you are responsible for your actions. You are to blame.
You may not be the only person to blame, you may not have to shoulder 100% of the responsibility but you sure as hell do have to accept responsibility for your own actions. Excuses, reasons, justifications do not absolve you from guilt. You have still done it.
I’m ashamed of a society full of people who are able to justify, to absolve themselves of any responsibility, any blame, for the hurt they cause, the misdeeds they perform.
So your wife is a shrew who won’t fuck you the way you like, who you can’t stand to look at. Fucking leave. If you don’t? If you cheat? She’s still a shrew, you still can’t stand to look at her, she’s still not fucking you but now, you? You are a cheater. You cannot absolve yourself of blame for your own actions any more than you’re willing to absolve your wife of hers.
Cheating in and of itself is never black and white. There are always reasons. There are always excuses. But it is still always cheating. And you are still the one who did it.
Man up. Accept the responsibility for your actions. Stop trying to excuse yourself by blaming others. Others may, indeed, share the blame. But their guilt does not make you innocent.
You? Are still a cheater.
Cheating, by definition, is bad. Wrong.
Even if that wrong is excusable, forgivable, understandable, it’s still wrong.
I have cheated. It was wrong. I accept full responsibility for my actions. I am to blame.
I.
And if you’re cheating? Have cheated? So are you. No matter how much you wish it were not so, no matter how many pretty reasons you give to shift that blame to someone else, you still carry it.
I don’t care if ya cheat. Just be willing to take responsibility for what you do, man.
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I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
Sport fucking – now THAT’S a sport I might like! :)
I used to feel like you – if you’re married to a cold woman and you’re not getting your needs met, then leave.
BUT! life is complicated. Sometimes after you weigh the pros and cons, you make the choice to stay married but get your needs met elsewhere, and you come to terms with it.
I know lots of men who are married and love their wives, but frequent prostitutes as a way of filling in the blanks. I think it’s therapeutic for them and actually helps keep their marriage/partnership together.
And what of my dad? He’s married to my mom, who is mentally ill and totally dependent on him. She can’t even dress herself. Should he divorce her and stick her in a home so he can drive to CA in a convertible and find a healthy woman for a partner, or should he stick with her, take care of her, and maybe have an affair on the side? Personally I think he deserves quality time with a nice woman. Of course my mom would freak out and try to kill herself if he tried discussing this with her. Yep, life is complicated.
.-= The Beautiful Kind´s last blog ..You Are The Beautiful Kind: Pippi =-.
Like I said… I don’t really care about the cheating, not at all. I totally “get” that there are reasons people do it.
It’s the not accepting blame, attempting to be the innocent party, shoving the blame on someone else that bothers me.
If you do it, it is your choice, you are to blame. The responsibility for what you do is your own.
It *is* complicated, life. But no matter what we do or why we do it, we are responsible for our actions. I think anyone who wants or needs to cheat should totally cheat. Just don’t say “I’m not to blame”.
I agree with CarrieAnn and I agree with TBK. There probably are some fairly decent reasons people choose to have relationships with people outside of marriage or visit prostitutes. I do think people need to be honest tho. If not with their spouses, then with themselves.
There are plenty of people who need not feel bad for what is technically, cheating, but there are plenty more who are just assholes and have no business trying to blame their partner for their own inability to maintain fidelity.
.-= Laurel´s last blog ..JimmyJane Afterglow ~ Bourbon =-.
personal responsibility is someone everyone needs to take for a variety of reasons. I definitely believe in it. People need to stop blaming others for their own actions. If you fuck up, in whatever way, it’s your own fault. But what taking responsibility means can certainly vary depending on person or situation.
.-= Adriana´s last blog ..Bad Thoughts =-.
There really is nothing else to say here. You’ve said it all. I’ve been focusing hard on making sure I correct my kids when I say ‘you did this and it was wrong’ and they respond with ‘but so and so…’
Taking responsibility for your choices, to some people, means that they have to take a hard look at themselves and perhaps change the way they are living their life.
Yup. Or at least accept the blame, the responsibility for what they’re doing.
It’s okay to say “yes, I’m doing this and these are the reasons why, I accept it is no one’s fault but my own that I am doing this.”
It’s not okay to say “yes, I’m doing this but it’s not my fault! You can’t blame me!”
You cannot cheat and be blameless.
My comments on cheating and judgment in no way meant that we shouldn’t take personal responsibility for our actions. We have no one to blame for ourselves for what we choose to do. However, I don’t think that we can JUDGE people who cheat, because the truth of the matter is, we never know what we would do in that situation, and we never know what the future holds for us. We all do things that we said we’d never do, and we all make mistakes. We’re human. And that’s why I don’t think we can tell anyone else how they should behave in their relationships.
That being said, it’s always the people involved’s fault, and I agree that we need to take responsibility for our actions; we have no one to blame but ourselves. But condemning them is unfair, because we’re all only human.
I think you might have hit the nail on the head with just a couple of words, Britni. Condemnation and blame. Taking the blame, accepting responsibility for what you do are totally different than being condemned.
I can, for instance, blame Tiger Woods for his indiscretions. They are, after all, no one’s fault but his own. But condemn him for them? I have no right.
I think often, people feel that blame is condemnation when they’re in the hot seat. Probably because they feel guilty.
I also think a lot of folks do, indeed, condemn. For those people, I feel sorry. Karma is a bitch.
.-= Carrie Ann´s last blog ..Personal Responsibility is an Endangered Species =-.