I am so tired and yet I can’t sleep. Or maybe I just don’t want to go to bed yet since Taylor shows no signs of being tired. Or maybe my brain just won’t shut down for the night.
Regardless, it’s two in the morning and I just made a cup of coffee and sugared it liberally. And I don’t use sugar in my coffee.
Weird.
I’m definitely going to have to take an Ambien if I want to sleep later.
Oh well. Since I’m up and my brain is going in silly, dizzy loop-the-loops I might as well babble here, right?
I’ve got this… thing… running thru my head the past few days. It’s making me look at myself and not really like what I see.
You see, I realized the other day that I treat people I actually know – or simply like a lot – far differently than I treat those I don’t know or don’t necessarily like in a "good friend" sort of way. I’m talking about online, of course. I simply don’t have enough contact with folks I "don’t know" in real life. But I’m subjected to scads of them online. And I’m not sure I like the fact that I treat them differently, treat them as less than, those I actually know (or feel particularly close to, even if it’s just online).
I have no problem with being a ranting, bitchy, opinionated cunt on my blog here. It’s my space and I truly love to rant, to shout out my opinion – no matter how controversial or unpopular – here in my own place where I can.
But I’m not real pleased with the fact that I’ve carried that over to message boards and forums and groups I belong to. I’m not real pleased with myself, in general, when it comes to treating people with respect.
I really don’t like to think about how many peoples feelings I’ve likely hurt not because they deserve it but because I just didn’t give enough of a shit to moderate my tone or bite my tongue. I don’t like that I’ve taken to being snarky to get my point across instead of just letting it go.
How important is my point, anyhow? To anyone but me? It’s not. And treating people like crap sure hasn’t made my opinion more important to anyone.
I’m ashamed of myself. I didn’t used to be this way. And I wonder when it began and why it seemed okay.
Did I react to how others spoke to me? Grow frustrated with not being heard? Fall into the trap that being sarcastic and bitchy is somehow cool?
I see it all over the web, out of men and women alike. Particularly lately. It seems all anyone does is fight with each other and snark at each other and insult each other. Everyone is pushing to be right and creating the feeling that the other person is wrong. Everyone is misreading each other, not taking the time to actually hear what someone else has to say, and just reacting – badly! – to stuff that was never said nor even implied half the time.
It’s crazy.
Now I’m never going to be little miss nicey nice. It’s just not my style, not who I am. I am blunt and to the point and a little too abrupt for most people. A little course and too honest and too eager to spar with anyone who can stimulate me.
But, by gods, I’m tired – tired, tired, tired – of being snotty and sarcastic and insulting to people. I’m better than that. I do not need to fall back on that to get my point across. And, when it comes down to it, my point only really matters in my own damned life anyhow so if others don’t "get it" who really cares?
All people really want when they talk to other folks – even when they disagree – is to be heard. To feel like someone hears them, to feel like their point/feelings/beliefs are valid. I do not need to invalidate someone or prove them "wrong" in order for me to be "right". I don’t need to put them down or hurt their feelings to make myself better.
And I’m going to stop. Starting right this minute I’m going to try to show people the respect and courtesy they deserve as human beings. And I’m going to show myself respect by behaving better than I have been, even when others do things to lose my respect. Treating them decently isn’t giving them something they don’t deserve but it does enable me to respect myself for being a good person. And it reflects better upon Taylor.
Even when he’s making a dick of himself I don’t want to be the brat in the corner making it worse. And I have been, at times, lately. No more.
I’m figuring out that the more I act like a twat the more I become a twat and that’s just not who I want to be.
It’s not good enough to be "nice" to my friends and fuck anyone else. It’s not… right. And I don’t wanna do that anymore.
So. How’s that for some wee hours rambling, huh?
I have more. I do! But I’ll save it for another time.
~xoxo
6 Comments
Join the conversation and post a comment.
Leave a Comment
Follow Me!
I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
Carrie..
been there done that got the Tshirt and threw it away…
i have come to see the “boards/discussion groups” as a no fly zone for me.. they get me riled up.. ruin my calm, zen like mood (are you choking?? cheeky grin) and leave me feeling drained.. anxious… and stressed.
i tried following my mother’s advice “Don’t put yourself on their level” but that didn’t work…..
So…
i don’t go to the Boards and i don’t read .. and i don’t comment…….. most of the time…
i am getting so good at this “walking away” that even on blogs i am moderating what i have to say.. or not saying anything at all…
Of course i am turning into a ghost.. a wisp of my former chatty self…….
Hopefully one of these days i will find the middle road approach…… not too opinionated and not too quiet… one day…
morningstar (owned by Warren)
What a beautiful post! It’s one I should take to heart. Master says I have a streak of (what he calls) “casual cruelty.” I have used it online, in forums and chat rooms (granted, they are not BDSM related, but still…) perhaps more than anywhere else. But just because I’m able to chop someone down with words doesn’t mean I should.
Ability isn’t an excuse for action.
You’re right on about a hundred counts in here, so I won’t go through them all… But thank you so much for this. It’s a mentality I KNOW will make me feel better, cleaner, and happier for following.
~Chloe
morningstar…
I hear ya. I really do. But when I stay away from the forums I get bored and understimulated. We have scads of lifestyle friends but none of them are quite… like us. So sometimes it’s easier to talk to folks who are, even though they’re online.
Like you, when I get to quiet, I become quite wispy.
I hope I can find that balance or I’m REALLY gonna start disliking myself!
Chloe…
Thank you! I’m glad you found something of use in my late night babbling. Here’s wishing us both luck.
By the way… I loved that you said “cleaner”. That’s really it, isn’t it?
It’s a tough habit to break so I wish you luck. While I can be as snarky and caustic as anyone else, I found that I don’t learn a thing if I’m tooting my own horn and proving how smart and mean I can be all the time. And it bring all that negative energy into the rest of your life, too. A lot of folks think it’s like venting, that you do this stuff to relieve stress and then it’s gone. Instead, it seems to grow and spread into the rest of your life.
So now, I try to avoid negativity both coming out of my mouth, or being around people who are negative. It’s better for me. That doesn’t mean I’m miss molly sunshine all the time. I just try to remember to be compassionate and thoughtful while also being honest.
Another thought about negativity is that it’s a defense response. I’ve used it to protect myself, especially when dealing with strangers and/or an unfamiliar environment, especially places like forums where there’s always people waiting for any appearance of weakness to jump on.
Mean people can also appear to newbs as authorities on a subject, crushing all other dissenting opinions. It can be amusing to watch because it causes a lot of drama from other strong personalities. In the end, though, it often succeeds in crushing the conversation to a point where no one is learning or enjoying it.
Good for you for recognizing that this is an issue for you. I think that’s often the hardest step in making changes and personal growth.
interesting post. i only came to your blog tonight as i saw the symbian title on another blog. the first time i read you, very long ago, i was blown away by the intensity of your writing. i was impressed and wanted to read more. but later you wrote very hateful comments on kaya’s blog and i have never read you since, or understood why anyone else would. i am glad you are rethinking this topic. best wishes.
Hateful comments on kaya’s blog? Must have been to someone other than kaya since she’s one of my favorite people.
Yanno, the fact of the matter is we’re all hateful sometimes. We get mad, say mean things. It happens. And I have no issue with it happening on occasion.
My post doesn’t mean I’m never going to say anything someone else considers “hateful” again. It means I’m going to try to not respond that way just because I don’t know someone well or just because I can.
I absolutely won’t temper or censor myself on my own blog.
I’m sorry you stopped reading but I’d also advise you not to get your expectations up too high. I”m an opinionated, blunt sort of person and a lot of my intensity comes from that.
Even if I put every effort into being nicer on web forums and whanot my blog will remain my place to let loose if I need to. I won’t censor myself to pacify readers because I’ve never, ever written for anyone but me.
I was just as happy when I had ten readers a day as I am with five hundred. :)