Secrets and Surprises

So…
Yeah…
Keeping secrets or surprising me is pretty close to impossible. For various reasons. Number one being that no one around me is very good at it. Lol. In order to surprise someone you need to have the ability to say NOTHING to the person or to anyone that’s going to tell the person. You need to not do things that are out of the ordinary when in that person’s presence. You need to not get caught whispering, you need to have a reasonable explanation for the out of the ordinary stuff you DO have to do to pull it off. And you need to make sure those you’ve told about it aren’t going to hint or tell the other person.
Taylor pretty well sucks at all of that.
I’m not only an intuitive person but I’m an observant person.

And what it comes down to is….
I always notice when “out of the ordinary” shit is going on. When people are acting different. When things don’t seem right. And I KNOW something is up. And I get bothered by it. Extremely bothered by it. So I pay MORE attention.

For example…
When Taylor decided to surprise me with a joint collaring when we went down to do Ronnie and Rainie’s wedding/collaring I knew something was going on. I wasn’t sure what but the collaring was one of my guesses. He just… sucks at hiding shit well. When I am normally allowed to go thru our toy box, when he’s normally telling me to put this in it or take that out of it or whatever and suddenly tells me I can’t touch it… something is going on.

And when I start to wonder what’s going on I get eighteen zillion thoughts in my head and, yanno what? I end up disappointed.
The actual surprise never quite lives up to what I’ve spend days or weeks or months imagining.

If folks could actually keep it all a secret, keep me from suspecting, I’d be fully satisfied, surprised and over the moon over the surprise when it happened. But they can’t – or haven’t been able to – and I’ve come to HATE surprises because of it.

It certainly doesn’t help matters when I have people saying things like “I know something you don’t know”.
I just get pissed off.
Cuz now they’ve ruined it.
I’m a smart girl. I’m GOING to figure it out. Or I’m going to speculate myself into disappointment when it’s not what I imagined.

Recently Taylor decided that I couldn’t see the wedding set we bought until it was sized. And, at first, I was just pissed off cuz it didn’t make any sense. I mean… we picked it out together. I’ve already seen pictures. It wasn’t going to be much of a surprise to see it sized.
I’d probably have let it go had he had the forethought to say “look, puss, I just want them to fit when you see them, I want to have it be a special moment”. But he’d spent a couple days talking about modifications he wanted to make to the rings – mods I didn’t think would work – and not only did I feel jipped by not being able to see my own damned rings, rings I’d been wanting more than I think I’ve wanted anything in my whole life, but I was worried that he’d do something to them that I absolutely wouldn’t like. And then how do I live with it for the rest of my life without feeling a bit disappointed every time I looked at them? So now I’m worried, yanno?
Then I got Sandi saying “I know something you don’t know” and trying to hint around at why Taylor might not want me to see the rings.
But yanno…
Taylor and Sandi don’t talk that often. So I don’t know if she’s speculating or if he’s told her this. And if I count on him doing what she says he wants to do and he doesn’t…
Then what? More disappointment.
And even if he does…
It’s no longer a surprise of any kind.
And chances are it won’t live up to what I’ve imagined in my head.

Cuz, yanno what else?
I spend my life not asking for much. I buy myself the little things it takes to keep me happy – candles and coffee and nails and the occasional bra or good smelling shower stuff. But I don’t EVER ask for the big stuff. I don’t tell ANYONE when I want something.
Do people really think I don’t want anything?
And for one of the few times in my life I let people know just how badly I wanted those rings. Not even so much “those” rings as a ring on my damned finger. I can’t explain, even to myself, the reasons for it, for why it was so important. But I wanted it. I’ve spent every waking second since Taylor proposed longing for a god damned ring.
And then I’ve got people fucking around and acting all secretive and out of the ordinary over the things after we order them.
I’m being told I can’t even see them.

And it hurt my stupid feelings.
When you finally open up enough to let someone know how badly you want something and then they seem to be playing games about when you can have it…
It sucks. The fact that I never get things is why I don’t tell anyone. Because we can’t afford them or no one gives a shit and so I never get them. And then I DO tell people that I desperately want something and they tell me I have to wait… it’s like… “neener, neener, I’ve got it, I’ve got something you want, you know I do but you can’t haaaaave it”
It makes me cry. It makes me sad. Might be different if I understood why. Or, like I said in the beginning, if people could keep a secret and pull off a decent surprise. But they never understand how much I see, how much I already know or how high my expectations get when I take what I’ve seen and what I know and have time to stew and ponder over it.

I get tired of waiting for things. I get upset when I don’t understand things.
And, like I said, I get disappointed a lot when I try to figure it out and it ends up being not what I thought – or even exactly what I thought but I already knew about it.

I know Taylor would day “Trust me. I don’t explain myself. Just do as yer told. This is how it is”. And maybe I should accept that without letting my mind run wild, without working up expectations, without being hurt by it. But I’m not wired that way. And when I’ve got someone else hinting that he’s gonna do some big, important thing…
Like I said…
it leaves me either disappointed when he doesn’t or disappointed cuz I already knew that he was going to.

So much easier if people would just learn to give me some sort of realistic explanation, even if it was a lie it could at least be realistic – something I could accept and move on rather than spending every minute wondering why and trying to figure out what the fuck is going on and why I’m being deprived of something and getting my feelings hurt…

Best way to put it?
Anticipation is not fun for me.
Surprises are not fun for me unless you can ABSOLUTELY manage to surprise me.
If I have even the smallest clue I’m anticipating and anticipation leads to expectations and expectations always, always, always lead to disappointment.