Seriousness
How do you all feel about gossip and rumors and the whole “black list”, warning people about others, thing?
I’ve always been kind of on the fence until I recently had some gossip about Taylor kind of blow up in my face.
I’m not going to deny I gossip as much as the next person. I try to keep my gossip to frivolous, trivial things, though. You know… the whole…
“Did you see how fat her ass looks in that dress?”
Or “Omg, he aggravates the shit out of me. Every time he talks I can’t help but roll my eyes and walk away. He’s nice enough but boringggggg.”
Or “If she tells me one more TIME how great her kid is doing in soccer and then pointedly asks about what my kid is doing – knowing he’s not into sports – I”m going to poke her in the eye with a soccer cleat.”
Mostly non hurtful sort of stuff. Venting to friends sort of stuff.
And I honestly think the key to gossiping well is knowing who your friends are, knowing who you can say that stuff to and not have them repeat it. Knowing they know you’re just venting or irked and don’t mean to hurt anyone by it.
But what about serious gossip and untrue rumors?
I might say Master MeatWhacker is a fucking dick cuz I’m mad at him but do I go so far as to defame his character? If someone tells me Master MeatWhacker has seven drunk driving arrests and gets violent towards hamburger when he’s drunk, do I repeat it?
This is where things get iffy for me.
I do think it’s important to warn people about those who are bad people. Of course, if I’ve seen MeatMan violently abuse a poor, helpless burger I’m going to warn the other burgers. But if I haven’t seen it with my own eyes? If Master VeggieLover whispers in my ear all the nasty things MeatMeister does and I know full well he’s only telling me because he’s mad or personally dislikes the Meat Man…
Do I take it seriously? Do I gather more info? Do I repeat that gossip and rumour to anyone else?
I dunno, man.
There was a rumour going around about Taylor and I a few years back. A rumor (like how I switch back and forth between British and American spelling? LOL) about how we’d gone to this kinky camping event and gotten booted out for trying to sell stuff. We heard the rumour and laughed our asses off. Why? Because we’ve never BEEN to that event and because the year it supposedly happened we weren’t even together and Taylor was living in fucking Pennsylvania! It did happen to another couple in our area, though. Another couple that sells BDSM toys. So I could see where it came from, see that someone got confused and, while I made sure a few people knew it was untrue and figured they’d eventually pass that info on, I never made a big issue out of it. It was just so stupid, yanno?
But last week someone spread some very hurtful rumors about Taylor. Things they “supposedly” read on a message board and decided it was their duty to pass on.
Things like how Taylor has been kicked out of every BDSM venue in our area. And how he’s been arrested for domestic violence. And how he’s hospitalized me on numerous occasions.
For the record, Taylor’s never been kicked out of any BDSM venue and has presented at many. He’s never been arrested for domestic violence in any state and certainly not while in Wisconsin. In fact, in Wisconsin, the only thing he’s been arrested for was driving while suspended and for accidentally shooting himself in the hand when a gun jammed. A gun he took away from his aging mother who was absolutely not capable of owning or caring for it anymore – as was made obvious by the BULLET JAMMED IN IT. Oy. That case was dismissed as soon as they determined he wasn’t hiding anything about someone else actually having shot him, as soon as they determined it really was an accident.
And the only thing I’ve ever been hospitalized for is to give birth and miscarry. (And,yeah, thanks, bitch, for bringing THOSE memories to the forefront of my mind)
Anyhow…
The point is that these are some serious fucking accusations and rumours to have carelessly spread. Rumors that could affect our lives and livelihood. My custody of my child. Our standing in the local community we do participate in.
This wasn’t minor shit like “he’s a dick, I don’t like him, I think he’s too rough with carrie”.
This was fucking libel as far as I was concerned.
And it makes me wonder…
How often DO insecure, jealous little girls spread this sort of stuff under the guise of “warning” someone when in reality they’ve made most of it up, embellished something someone else said, never bothered to check facts or plain LIED?
And why do we put up with it and believe it?
Should we? Where do we draw the line?
Where do you draw the line? How much of this type of gossip do you believe?
I’ve decided I have zero tolerance. I will NOT tolerate this sort of crap anymore. Not about me and mine, not about anyone.
Gossip and spread rumors about people and I WILL ask you to prove it. And if you can’t? YOU’LL be the one protecting your reputation.
As it should be.
From experience, not like yours how ever, i find that gossip in the BDSM community such as it is, is much more like a game of telephone.
In the case i was a third party in, i was friends with a new submissive, she made her first play date with a gentleman(term used with respect as i am also friends with him). The gentleman was very open and forthright in his expectations and how he played. New submissive said she was okay with this.
After the play date how ever she is a little unsure if she really is a submissive. She happens to talk to this one person asking questions, trying to learn, to understand herself and her reactions to the weekend better. The person she spoke to took what was said out of context and starts telling others.
Each person the tale was told to added a little more “color” to it. So by the time the story got back to the new submissive she was being warned away from this gentleman because of how he kept a submissive against her will and abused her for an entire weekend before she was able to finally escape.
She was horrified that people had thought that of him because of her personal insecurities. In the end no matter how hard she retold the truth no one would believe her.
i guess it is human nature that we try to make others look bad or evil or what ever to make ourselves look better? What ever the reason i think rumors suck.
i don’t know you or Taylor aside from what you share online (thank you for sharing by the way) but you hardly seem like someone who is in an abuse relationship. The love in your (his and hers) in the photos you post is amazing.
As you said knowing who your real friends are helps. And your real friends will know the truth and stand behind you.
Thank you, jewel. I can’t even explain how much it warms me to know others can see what we so deeply feel. :)
Gossip is just that — gossip. It is about talking about somebody’s back without any intention of giving them the opportunity to answer the accusations made or confronting them directly. It is cowardly and shows a lack of personal character. I try to guard against engaging in it, and I don’t associate with people who do it.
I do think we have some responsibility within our community to confront those who would use us for cover to behave in ways that are not appropriate, but I do think the Internet driven game of hanging someone based on hearsay is simply wrong. If we know, from personal experience and the evidence of our own eyes, that there is someone who needs to be confronted about something, then we have an obligation to take that information and put it in front of that person. Anything else is rumor-mongering and bullying and has no place in a culture which runs on integrity.
swan
swan’s last blog post..Captive to a Stereotype
Carrie,
Like the others I do not know you or Taylor personally except for what you share online (thank you btw as I see a bit of my relationship with my Master in your relationship with Taylor) I have never once gotten the impression that he was abusive towards you or the Teen. He seems to take care of you both with love and respect.
Gossip is exactly that. Gossip. I find that those who do gossip to the extreme do so because their own lives are less colorful and they feel that by adding spice (gossip) about others makes them superior.
It’s all crap. And I really do hope that Taylor and yourself are able to move on from the damage done and come out shining on the otherside.
I really did laugh when I read what is being said about you and T. It’s not funny, of course, but so utterly ridiculous to me, I can’t quite imagine anyone would buy it. But then, I’ve known you both for so damn long… I suppose people who don’t know you or who don’t care for one or both of you would might choose to believe such obvious bullshit.
I rather like your idea of confronting someone when they make such serious accusations against someone and requesting proof. I don’t think people realize just how serious the consequences of spreading lies or even half-truths can be.
I found myself in a really sad mess a few months back when some good friends who hold play parties decided I was responsible for their parties being targeted by the vanilla media. Their proof? That I had mentioned their parties in an Australian kink magazine. The fact they had an ad for their parties on the very page I mentioned them, and that (seriously, can you believe this) the magazine was published BEFORE the vanilla media article came out, did not stop this couple telling people that the person with my scene name was responsible.
The saddest thing for me was when I heard they had been blaming me and rang them to clear things up. It was one of those conversations that turns your guts to ice. “You wrote in your article we were friends” she spat down the phone “but we dont know you and you are no friend of ours”. It was only later I realized that in their fear and anger they had forgotten the real me, the person they knew who regularly attended their parties, often stayed over and was known by my real name. When I realized this I sent her an email via my Mistress160 address that included previous – and very friendly and chatty – correspondence between us. The silence was deafening but eventually I received a sort of apology. But she’s right. I will never call these people my friends again.
What I learned from this is that I would never have “cleared my name” in my local kinky community (over something I didn’t do) if that magazine had not been published when it was. That was proof others accepted. Without it I would still be fielding vicious gossip spread by this couple. From what I hear they are still working their way through their invitation list, trying to pin the blame on someone…
So I’m totally with you on this one!
Sorry, that should read my article was published AFTER the news report about them in the vanilla press … I need coffee …. lol
I think that I don’t believe a damn word anybody says unless I know the source well enough to know they wouldn’t be gossip-mongers. I happen to think most people are catty and vindictive and will embellish to make themselves look more clever/better/smarter/whatever.
I’d listen to bullshit like that about Taylor and prompty dismiss it as so much bullshit. I like to think most people are intelligent enough to do the same. And if they aren’t? Then, um, good riddance to their ignorant asses. :)
This just adds to my current mood of “most people suck”. :(
I’m sorry you had to go through this; as others have said, you do not come off at ALL as being abused nor does Taylor sound like someone who would be kicked out or whatever all was said.
Black list over BDSM play parties. Jesus. High school again. Again, I’m sorry these things were said and I hope you can put it behind you soon and move on.
Amber’s last blog post..It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times
I detest this sort of occurance.. It is stuff like this that makes me hesitant to believe most things I hear about others . This is why I generally do not weigh in what I hear about others unless I know the source is being truthful because I had seen it for myself or similar. Hope this comment comes out correct as I am replying on my blackberry.
~viemoira
You described it perfectly with a single word: jealousy. The real fear, for me, would come from paranoia that she would be “just nuts enough” to put her BS into action – i.e. false police reports, if she were to get possession of private info such as your home address in response to posted photos on your blog.
(I’m really not helping, am I?)
I’ll shaddup..I’ll stuff my mouth with a hamburger, since all this talk about Master MeatWhacker has given me a craving…
“Anything else is rumor-mongering and bullying and has no place in a culture which runs on integrity.”
I agree with that wholeheartedly.
Thank you, Wenchy. The crap hasn’t done any damage but it had the potential to and I wanted to nip that potential in the bud. Thank you for your kind words. :) I appreciate them very much.
I have to admit I laughed at first, too. Mostly cuz of “who” said it. And the ridiculous factor is exceptionally high.
But then I got pissed. Cuz, yanno, that’s some highly insulting shit. Some people do the majority of their living online, though, and just can’t comprehend how stupid stuff spewed online can effect someone’s actual, real, life. I feel sorry for the girl who said it all. She’s the one who ended up looking bad.
Thank you! People… are just so petty sometimes.
It’s probably a good thing this all happened online, yanno? :)
You rock, Amber. Thank you. :)
It came out perfectly. Good policy, seeing it for oneself. I’ve decided it’s the ONLY way to go these days.
I know, right? I’ve been craving a burger for two days now. Lol.
Working in an assembly plant that had 5,000 employees when I started and still close to 2,000 when I left, gossip was a constant. Sometimes started maliciously, sometimes just as a means of getting through the boredom, I soon grew wary and weary of it. My “line” was that I didn’t believe anything I heard and about half of what I saw; when they figured out I wasn’t buying it and wasn’t spreading it they pretty much left me out of the loop, for which I was very grateful!
Hopefully the kindergartners will decide to leave you out of it as well!
alan
alan’s last blog post..For lack of a nail…
You know how I feel about this. I hope things ended well.
Melen’s Rayne’s last blog post..Advice for a Newbie
They’re fine. I doubt I”ll ever communicate with the two involved again but there were apologies and whatnot and, hopefully, the gossip mongering will end.
I got your email, btw, I’m just a horrid person and haven’t answered you yet! Bad me!