“I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.” ~Albert Schweitzer

So….
Service.
This is bound to be rather rambling cuz I’m sitting down with no clear idea where I’m going with this. I came across this quote the other day and it struck something in me, but I can’t really put my finger on what or why.

Maybe it’s that I’m not entirely sure that I’ve found a way to serve that is “right”.
I very firmly believe that service is one of the foundation blocks in a D/s relationship. It’s not all about “I’m the Dom and you’re the sub and you must do as I say or I’ll beat you silly” That would be way too fun. Lol. And too fake, as well. I mean… there is a definite place for orders and punishments and all that jazz. And there are even times I feel like I don’t get enough of it, that my relationship is TOO service oriented. But, when it comes right down to it I truly feel that it is my job, my responsibility, to serve my Dominant. In any way he needs, so long as I am physically and emotionally capable of doing so.
Him being the “boss”, having the ultimate final say in all our life decisions and me being the one who is required to serve him are the “real” foundations of a D/s relationship to me. I truly feel that serving him, making him happy, and being under his control are the main things I should need to make ME happy. That whole symbiotic thing, yanno.

But then I find myself utterly and completely unfulfilled by those things. I find myself wanting and needing MORE. And I start to question who and what I am in a major way.

Maybe it’s just a matter of things being so out of balance lately. Not just our D/s relationship but our lives in general. Everything has been out of whack, particularly me. I’m definitely looking forward to the next few weeks and the chance to recenter and refocus myself, to begin feeling more like me again.

But it’s not all that. Being out of balance has just made it harder to get myself straightened out in a more timely manner. This has happened before and it’ll probably happen again.

A person needs to be pretty selfless in a full time D/s relationship, I think. And that I am not.

A person also needs to find the “right” match for them so that their needs coincide. And while Taylor and I are very, very well matched, we’ll always have our small issues in areas where we’re not quite the perfect fit. (Course, there is no such thing as perfect so that’s ok. :) ) This is one of those things that are difficult for us, I think.

A part of my brain whispers to me that it often comes down to this…
I serve too well on a daily basis. (this is not a statement of perfection. Rather a declaration of the fact that we know each other well, have been together long enough that things just…. flow. Things are easy and normal and constant, like in most long term relationships) He needs give most of his needs very little thought, he needs not even think about most of his basic needs because they are automatically met. Which leaves me, a person who needs some pretty firm boundaries, direction and pure dominance, floundering a bit in this sea of “do, do, do, do, do for him and get very little in return”. The things I do are done so well and consistently that he doesn’t HAVE to put his foot down, doesn’t have to give orders, doesn’t have to even consider punishments or consequences because I pretty much DO whatever he needs done, whatever it is I’m supposed to do. And when I don’t, it’s never that big of a deal. He tends to let it slide.

Now…
sexually I’ve been a bit of a disappointment to him lately, I know. My sex drive has been totally sapped by the crowding in the house and the lack of spontaneity. Between having his mom in the house (hell, it could be ANYONE”S mom and I’d be instantly non-sexual. It’s just a thing for me) and my hormones cuz I think I’m hitting that premenepause shit, I’ve been less than enthusiastic and have said “no” more times in six months than in the previous three and a half years.
That definitely has taken a toll on how I feel about the D/s in our relationship. Sex, for us, is a big part of it. If nothing else the fact that it is my job to fuck him when and how he wants it has always been at the front of my mind, serving to help keep me in my proper place.
That’s all pretty easily fixed. A few weeks of focusing on it, from both of us, and we’re right back where we should be.

But I don’t know about the rest.
Is simple service really enough for me?
And does he have any desire to have a relationship based on much more than that?
And how do we refind that happy medium that we cruise around in most of the time? Cuz we do. We both have things we want but can’t have with each other and we’ve both been fairly willing to give them up because what we have together is worth more than those wants. And I think we both still feel that way.

Maybe I just need a little bit more from him to get myself focused after being out of synch with everything, even myself, for so long.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about online and long distance relationships lately. How fucking intense that small bit of time you get with a person is. How you jam everything you want and need and desire and expect into nine hundred words or a weekend at a hotel or an hour on the phone. And how that intensity grabs hold of you and just fucking OWNS you.

That’s what I think I’m missing lately. That intensity. That feeling of being owned – lock, stock an barrel – by the person who makes you feel so much.
The only thing I’ve felt with much intensity lately is irritation. I have been so irritated by so much that it’s been like a zillion spiders and snakes twisting and crawling inside my very fucking skin and brain.

I want that intensity in more things. I want to serve with zeal, serve because I’m compelled by some intense greater force. I want to feel controlled and owned and tightly bound in my place by the intensity of what’s in and around me.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense. I DID say this was apt to be a ramble and I wasn’t lying. :) Unfortunately it didn’t quite go where I wanted it to. I have some serious thoughts on service in a D/s relationship and I didn’t come close to getting them out. I went on a tangent and there’s not much I can do to focus on service in general when my mind is flittering on about the things I feel I’m missing.

Bah.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll start a list of all the things I want and need as opposed to what my reality has been like and I’ll be a bit more clear. And maybe I’ll get up the nerve to ask Taylor to do the same thing. (He never reads this so I’m safe there. :) ) Chances are we’re both feeling the same lack in a lot of the same places.