Sex Positive Hypocrite?
So I was reading blogs again, blogs I probably should just ignore, and something I read got me to thinking…
Sex Positive.
It’s the buzzword these days. It’s something I’m constantly being accused of not being. It’s, basically, being accepting of other sexualities, genders, kinks, preferences. It’s not ridiculing others for their sexuality, it’s…
Well, let’s see.
The place I work is constantly hearing how they’re not sex positive because we post humor and opinion pieces on our blog. Or because we occasionally feel the need to ban people. Or because people don’t like our linking policy. Or because of the opinion of an employee on personal matters.
I am constantly told I’m not sex positive because I’m not a feminist or because I disagree with the popular stance on rape culture and entitlement.
Pretty much anyone who does anything that the “sex positive” people don’t like is told they’re not sex positive, not tolerant enough, not accepting enough.
And yet…
The very people who claim to be so sex positive are often the first to jump up and ridicule others. They’re often down right mean. They’re absolutely drenched in entitlement — the misplaced entitlement of the righteous, the sense that it is okay for them to judge and to lay down that judgement as if it were law. They’re often insensitive, bullies who make people feel they have to conform to fit in.
Conform.
Isn’t that almost the exact opposite of sex positive, of tolerance?
And what of the sarcasm, snarky-ness and behind the back crap? Are you really trying to teach sex positivity if you’re doing it in a way that inspires either fear or dislike? Are you really so… good… if you are talking about people but don’t have the nerve to speak to them? If you’re stalking and ridiculing and acting oh so superior…
Do you really believe you’re in any way positive?
Just recently I got a bunch of behind my back snark on twitter because I… gasp!… had the nerve to comment on someone who dislikes me’s blog. This same person incessantly tweets links to reviews – usually from beginners – and makes fun of them, the products they review, the way they write, their lack of knowledge.
Positive, isn’t it?
This same person just dedicated a mean spirited and sarcastic blog to a particular porn scene they found to be a… failure.
And, yes, this same person has gone apeshit, pissed off crazy when someone else said they didn’t like transgender porn.
Because, you see, you must like transgender porn to be sex positive but you don’t have to like Popsicle play. There are secret rules to sex positivity! It is okay to make fun of slightly ditzy porn stars and Popsicles but NOT queer porn or gay porn or trans porn or…
You know.
I just don’t get it.
Tolerance is tolerance. Positive is positive. It’s not tolerate what YOU like, be positive about YOUR choices.
Now I don’t really believe in either of those buzz words. I think people like what they like and have a right to say so as long as they don’t try to stop anyone else from liking what they want to like or doing what they want to do. So long as they don’t ridicule those different from them. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having and expressing an opinion, even a strong one, even a negative one. I do think there is something wrong with being cruel about it.
And, you know what?
I think that makes me MORE sex positive than most of those who claim they are. (insert sarcasm punctuation mark here)
Thankfully, I don’t want to wear that label and it’s not worth fighting over…
Though it was worth blogging about. Because it was on my mind and because I’m sitting here in candlelight, on my balcony, on a warm summer night with the man I love and I felt like writing something. Because it does confuse me. And because I DO see the hypocrisy.
I hope others begin to, too.
***EDIT***
I’ve come to the conclusion, based upon the response to this post and many others I’ve made recently that…
It is, somehow, okay to be mean when you’re being mean to strangers. Okay to make fun of porn that didn’t do it for you, okay to make fun of that guy on OKC who can’t spell very well, okay to be condescending about the way someone else masturbates, okay to ridicule those who don’t write well, okay to be judgmental and mean about the toys someone else likes… so long as you don’t say it to their face. It’s okay and it’s funny and it gets blog hits.
It is not okay to say mean things if the person you’re saying them about is listening. In fact, it’s cruel. Horrible. Totally different than being mean behind someone’s back, totally MORE MEAN.
And this is where I vehemently disagree.
Because all those people talking smack behind someone’s back? All those people ridiculing those they never have to stand face to face with? Do the same to you behind your back.
I may be mean on occasion. I know that I am. But I will never talk shit about you behind your back. If you do something that I find wrong, that makes me mad, that seems unwise, that may be dangerous, that is foolish, whatever… I will tell you to your face. I will look you in the eye (or, you know, as close as you can get when it comes to online) and have the balls to say it to your face.
All those people… the guy on OKC, the bad writer, the jelly dong lover, the ass popsicle enthusiast and the girl who put herself on the line to do that sort of porn, the person with the clashing colors on their blog… all of them are human. All of them deserve respect. If you cannot be kind – and, god knows, we can’t always be kind – you can at least have the decency to acknowledge that you are being mean to a real person, someone who may see what you wrote and cry over it. You can have the decency to not act like these PEOPLE are nobody.
And until you do, you are NOT sex positive and every time you say you are, you lie.
p.s. While this initial post was very focused on one person and that person’s behavior, that person only inspired me to say what I feel about a lot of people. I don’t think this behavior is unique to one person, do, in fact, feel it’s become so common most don’t even know they’re doing it. It surrounds us. And if I’m a bad person, a mean person, for pointing it out, then you should probably admit you’re also a bad person for doing it in the first place – any of you who do it.
A very good post. I am often accused of trying to “straddle the fence” and not make a definitive stand about something, like when a group get all snarky about one person, a policy or some other crap. But I don’t look at it as straddling the fence, I believe in “live and let live” and “you do your thing, I’ll do mine”. Everyone usually tries to live their lives as best as they can…that is what I do. And I allow others the same. That doesn’t often go over so well when someone with an ax to grind tries to insist I take a stand WITH them. Haha. I’ve lost online “friends”, blog readers, followers on twitter or EF because I did not think, talk or act like THEM. They can preach tolerance and being positive in so many ways until you want them to also be tolerant to you when you disagree with their position. Then you are labeled as being intolerant or negative. Oh well. I still try to just live and let live…to each their own. As I said, this is a good post and maybe it will make someone THINK…maybe even in a more tolerant and accepting way. Hugs to you. Ptunia.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by CarrieAnn , CarrieAnn . CarrieAnn said: Sex Positive Hypocrite? http://bit.ly/abE5eQ [...]
I was sex positive today!
Er, well I positively had sex today anyway. I really hate buzzwords. They have absolutely no value and do nothing but cloud, obscure and confuse the real issue. When one doesn’t have a viable argument they turn to buzzwords.
And if you look at most buzzwords…they don’t even make sense. Sex Positive…as if anyone is sex negative? Well yeah sure monks swear a vow of celibacy, but seriously do you think they really hate sex?
Oh and here’s one that just makes me laugh and shake my head. Slut Shaming…um…seriously? Honey if yer a slut…I can do nothing to shame you any more than you’ve already shamed yourself. Being a slut has NEVER been a good thing regardless of your gender. It’s dangerous, it’s irresponsible and frankly..it’s nasty. Being “sex positive” does’t mean one needs to throw their morals and standards out with the used condoms. Hell, it doesn’t really mean anything.
Now there is nothing wrong with liking sex or having a positive attitude about sex. But a slut will always be a slut…no matter how much they try to blame their shame on others. OOOOHHH I just came up with a new buzzword!!! Shame Blaming!!! Trying to blame some one else for the shame one has brought on themselves. I.E. accusing someone of “slut shaming” because they don’t think much of someone who runs around fucking anything that will hold still long enough.
And this whole tolerance thing has really started to get on my nerves. The BDSM community has gone to shit int he name of tolerance. I can clearly remember a time when it was the RESPONSIBILITY of every experienced person in the community to guide the new, to step in and let them know when they are doing summin that might get them hurt. NOW…forget about it, you can’t tell anyone anything. We have to tolerate everyone’s kink. We have to be tolerant. Ok so now int he name of tolerance I have to sit back and watch Master Puff n Stuff give the person he’s workin on 2nd degree chemical burns because he wants to use zippo fluid for fireplay. And if I tell him it’s a bad idea to use zippo fluid I’m being intolerant of his kink. Never mind that he’s doing something stupid and inherently dangerous.
In the name of tolerance, the community has been over run with social cripples who don’t know what they or doing, or even why they are doing it. Or well they know why, but their reasons aren’t healthy ones.
Now in no way do mean to say we should be intolerant, I hope no one is getting that impression. I just think tolerance has been touted too loudly and for too long and has been taken way too fucking far. To the point , in the BDSM community at least of doing more harm than good.
This is why I damn near left the whole shebang recently. Came thisclose to giving up on twitter, my blog, elust, the co-op, etc. Many people are acting selfishly lately. They’ll happily take what I am giving out, but so many are unwilling to give just a little bit back.
Good post that reflects the truth of the situation, however it loses most of it’s impact as you are just as guilty of calling people sex negative. in fact, I have seen you you do it repeatedly.
Here is just one example.
http://viewfromthefloor.com/peanut-butter-anal-douching-love/
Right at the end of the post. Pot, kettle, black.
Oh! Yes, well, occasionally I can’t help myself. “That” site is well known for it’s snark and I just don’t find that meanness, sarcasm and juvenile behavior are funny. In fact, I find them to be negative, mean and… juvenile.
The preponderance of women running around trying to be The Bloggess is kind of funny, actually, in that car crash sort of way. But they all fail and they all come across as petty and mean and negative.
My point, however, in that post, was that some of the Uber Sex Positive folks take money from them, which is hypocritical considering the content and Lack Of Sex Positivity – as measured by the very folks who take the money.
The fact that you actually think that the writers at toywithme.com are “petty, mean and negative” shows your total disregard for anything that doesn’t fit into what you deem as “sex positive.”
You even go so fas as to take task with others that have the audacity to link to the site. as they are somehow complicit in being “sex negative”"
you write:
“Drunken suburban soccer moms reviewing sex toys on video? Is vomit inducing. How can some of you take ad money from that horribly sex negative, nasty site? Ugh.”
How is that any different than what you just shouted out upon your high horse in this post.
You say:
“The very people who claim to be so sex positive are often the first to jump up and ridicule others. They’re often down right mean. They’re absolutely drenched in entitlement — the misplaced entitlement of the righteous, the sense that it is okay for them to judge and to lay down that judgement as if it were law. They’re often insensitive, bullies who make people feel they have to conform to fit in.”
Mean? Ridicule? I think so. Bullying others because they make a decision to take ad money from a site you have a personal issue with? Clearly.
As Taylor said, do you REALLY ACTUALLY BELIEVE that toywithme.com hates sex?
this is just another example of a pattern with you Carrieann that shows that your hypocrisy shows no bounds. this post could have been written about you.
You ride the short bus, don’t you?
Perhaps you should read again. I am NOT sex positive. I do not claim to BE sex positive. I’m just a girl, who blogs about what is in her head.
I do fully admit to disliking YOU and your site, though. And to not finding any humor in the “ha ha… I’m so snarky!!!” type posts you put up.
I really don’t give a rats ass who reads your site, nor do I actually care who takes money from it. I find it FUNNY that those who DO claim to be sex positive DO take money from y’all.
Do you have wax in your ears? Or, since you’re reading, maybe you still have sleep in your eyes.
I DON’T THINK TOYWITHME IS SEX NEGATIVE. I THINK TOYWITH ME IS FULL OF CATTY, NEGATIVE, SNARKY WOMEN IN GENERAL BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE. The part of my post you’ve brought up, from months ago, was tongue in cheek. “oh, all you sex positive people, taking money from negative ninnies”
I find it… and you… amusing.
Now, don’t you have better things to do? Why DO you stalk me, anyhow? It was that comment about you being a drama whore, wasn’t it? You’d like to kill me, wouldn’t you? You didn’t like being called on using the drama over your cancerous mom post to get blog hits, did you? (Notice I said “the drama over” not “your mom’s cancer” I know you have reading comprehension issues so, please, DO note the difference)
Go get some therapy, Puck. Your chasing me around, stalking me, getting all wound up and insulting over every issue you can jump into is kind of obsessive. I don’t even look at your blog any more. Haven’t in six months. I don’t like it. I don’t like you. I don’t like your wife. I don’t like your content. Instead of obsessing over it, I just don’t read it or you. Try it some time.
I figure he’s just in love with you hun. But knows he’s not man enough to ever have a chance. So in order to vent some of his frustration he tries to pick a fight with you…sort of like kids do when they are too young to understand the weird feelings they are starting to have about the opposite gender.
While we’re quoting Carrie, how ’bout this gem:
Now I don’t really believe in either of those buzz words.
Or this one:
I don’t think there is anything wrong with having and expressing an opinion, even a strong one, even a negative one. I do think there is something wrong with being cruel about it.
Find someone else to stand on. Carrie’s too cool for school.
I sure do love you, woman. :)
“I DON’T THINK TOYWITHME IS SEX NEGATIVE.”
Really?
“How can some of you take ad money from that horribly sex negative, nasty site?”
tongue in cheek. Riiiiight. That is actually laughable.
As far as my mother goes, she’s ok thank you. And to imply that I would use drama over the post about my mothers cancer to drive blogs hits makes me so fucking angry I could spit. I had maybe 200 followers at the time and half of them were bots.
You are mean, you are insensitive, and as this post has so clearly painted, you are a hypocrite.
” You’d like to kill me, wouldn’t you.”
What the fuck? WOW. And you think I need therapy?
Blah blah blah.
God, you’re boring.
Other than though, it’s a good post.
You have a good pair of statements here:
“I don’t think there is anything wrong with having and expressing an opinion, even a strong one, even a negative one. I do think there is something wrong with being cruel about it.”
But I was sad that you followed it with:
“I think that makes me MORE sex positive than most of those who claim they are.”
…because comparisons like that are pretty meaningless to me.
While I can easily see your points here, it just makes me sad to read stuff like this (and similar posts on other people’s blogs) because it all seems like venting and no one is moving forward. People just get more polarized. Even though everyone’s willing to play the “I’m not perfect” card and the “I’ve been wrong” card, nothing good ever seems to come from it. Le sigh.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend. ^_^
I think I have problems with people hearing the tone I intend.
That statement was supposed to be tongue in cheek – bantering, not serious, amusing – since I think the whole sex positive thing is just… ridiculous.
Not sex positivity and tolerance themselves but the claiming of the words as titles of sorts when, in reality, we’re all just a bunch of humans who feel how we feel.
Tone is a tough one. Maybe a sarcasm punctuation mark would actually be useful. :P
[...] yesterday, after I wrote the Sex Positive Hypocrite post, someone commented on twitter something about how the bickering is getting old and this [...]
Your tone has never sounded tongue in cheek to me, fwiw, at least in the few short weeks I’ve read you. Its sounded negative or spiteful, generally.
That’s just feedback, and probably feedback you don’t want, but there you have it.
I’ve not heard much lately about what you do like, what makes you feel happy and open. That seems to be missing from an awful lot of blogs that deal with sex, at least lately.
I wrote 33 posts in July.
21 of them were product reviews.
Of the remaining 12, these are fairly cheery — or are, at least, good natured rants about the grocery store. :)
http://viewfromthefloor.com/wednesday/
http://viewfromthefloor.com/full/
http://viewfromthefloor.com/no-touching/
http://viewfromthefloor.com/cherries-and-wine/
http://viewfromthefloor.com/ahhhh-weekend-how-i-love-you/
http://viewfromthefloor.com/ranting-and-reminiscing/
So, 21 product reviews, 6 babbling mostly happy posts, means 27 out of 33 posts were NOT negative or spiteful, if that’s how you’re reading the rest of my stuff. 80% positive, happy, cheery or informative is good enough for me.
Jesus. This is exactly what I am talking about.
I started reading you maybe a week or two ago. I have not read your entire blog. This level of absolute defensiveness towards anyone who dares to point out what THEY experience from reading you.
We’re just wrong. You are right. Clearly.
Your tone. Does not seem tongue in cheek. It seems defensive, snarky, negative and ready for a rumble. Like you are happy when someone says something you can pick apart, so you can push or bully or whatever this is that you do.
You must find fighting awfully enjoyable.
And yes, it is your blog. You have absolute right and power to write exactly how you want to.
I think you have a preconceived notion of my tone.
I didn’t say you had to have been reading me for a year, six months. I pointed out the osts I actually have written in one short month.
I’m not entirely sure how that, along with smiley faces and cheerfulness over my percentage of rants to other posts is defensive, picking part, bullying.
I can’t control how you’re already reading me. I can’t make the tone change in your mind. You’ve already determined how my voice sounds to you, despite how it may sound in reality. But, dude, seriously? Just don’t read it if that’s the case.
What good does it do to comment on how I “sound” to you, to be all negative about how you perceive my tone, when you don’t even know me and are, in fact, reading it wrong? Or perhaps I just truly suck at expressing myself. Regardless, you’re not going to make anyone have a HAPPY tone when you keep telling them how awful they are.
“You suck! Now smile pretty!”
Sheesh.
Go tell the folks making fun of porn and dating sites and novice reviewers how bad they are! :P
She’s allowed to disagree with comments posted to her blog. That’s how discussion and debate occur. You are allowed to not share the opinion of the person who leaves the comment. And you are allowed to say you don’t share the opinion and offer one of your own. As we are all adults here, presumably, we can disagree in a respectful fashion. Mr. Puck has real problems with this last part and has a long history of being abusive and offensive with anybody who disagrees with him. So he’s really lost the right to expect respectful behavior from … too many people to count.
Tone is virtually silent on the internet-most tone is inferred by the reader. Since you’ve only been reading her blog for a week, let me help you out. I’ve known Carrie Ann and have spoken with her in person and have been reading her writing for over ten years now and you can take it on excellent authority (mine) that her tone was in fact tongue in cheek.
I think I may start doing video blogs. :D
Pot, meet Kettle.
Witty! Original! Thanks for stopping by!
“I don’t like your content. Instead of obsessing over it, I just don’t read it or you. Try it some time.”
Interesting theory. Why not do the same instead of this thinly veiled rant?
I do try! I do! But sometimes, things just get to me, strike me as absurd, bang around in my head until I write them down.
And so I do.
Would it be nicer of me to make fun of your porn?
See, I didn’t think there was a veil of any kind here. I think everybody knows exactly what and who she’s talking about and frankly, I think I’ll use the same defense so MANY of these people use when defending the behavior.
She’s not being mean, she’s not being negative, she’s just being HONEST!
Honesty cancels out all negativity and hypocrisy, didn’t you know?
I was out of town yesterday, but saw this in my reader and -knew- what you were talking about and expected some of the responses.
There’s hypocrisy on top of hypocrisy on top of hypocrisy. It’s like reverse-negativity. The things that are ‘less’ kinky, considered more traditional and what not are blasted relentlessly for being ‘ugh fail’. Then, like you pointed out, someone can comment about their personal preference and how it doesn’t line up with kink or the ever-randomly-generated number of queer labels and all hell breaks loose. Suddenly you are the epitome of sex negativity and you must be educated and change your ways else everything you say in the future will be carefully picked apart by ad hominem attacks, ignoring any attempts to explain yourself. At that point, they’ve shut off their ears and have developed selective hearing and are in it to argue.
But if you dare think they are hypocritical? And you mention it? Breathe about it? Here they are to tell you that you can and should just stop reading them. As if they’re above being schooled and taken to task for acting like douche bags. That is what has been annoying the piss out of me. Children with their fingers stuck in their ears singing ‘lalala I can’t hear you.’
Sorry for ranting in your comments. =p
You can rant in my comments any time you like. :)
And I agree. You’ll notice almost all the comments focus on *my* negativity and what a cunt I am and not a single one focuses on how negative it is to make fun of someone else’s kink/tastes/sexuality.
I love that! It amuses me hugely.
(And yes, I am easily amused.)
I feel sort of bad for the folks who are not amused, who get easily upset by the drama and dislikes and bitchiness of the blogosphere and am going to try my best to just shut up and smile for at least a little while but…
Still…
Perhaps if others were called as often for their bullshit as I am, there would be less of it all.
Giving people the power to be assholes without calling them on it makes for a really stinky “community”. Eau de asshole smells like asshole.
I disagree.
you’re a cunt biscuit. FUckity duck licker whoredoodle. yes yes yes! shut up, dog breath
Man. I’m not going to talk extensively about the rant itself because I think other people have already covered it enough (in brief, though, I think there’s a huge difference between decrying and putting down someone’s tastes, and kidding around about something that you personally don’t like).
However, I find these comments and your responses to them very… interesting. Do you always respond to people who disagree with you with such rudeness and condescension? If so, I’m surprised that anyone even bothers commenting at all. I feel like I’m going out on a huge limb here by simply saying this. Why not engage respectful dissenters instead? Personally, I see that being a whole lot more productive than the electronic version of flailing and yelling.
The only quasi-respectful dissenter here was tomatoblossom, and CarrieAnn responded just as respectfully. Everyone else came with insults and rudeness. All commenters on this post were responded to with the tone and attitude that they commented with.
CarrieAnn – Yes, yes, YES. A lot of bloggers seem way too eager to rip others to shreds, either in blog posts or in tweets. I have stopped following quite a few bloggers because of their penchant for random insults of bloggers they don’t like (you mostly, lol). And, yes, you do the same thing on occasion, but at least you admit to being mean at times, whereas they swear up and down that there was no insult, that they were no way in the wrong, that they were just being “honest” and sharing their “opinion.”
What we ALL need to do is remember this golden rule: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! If you’re reading someone else’s blog JUST so you have something to rip on them about, STOP FUCKING READING! Life is too short to be caught up in needless drama and negativity. Move on.
I feel very popular all of a sudden . Hehe. (the mostly you comment.)
Thank you for noticing that I do try to engage respectfully when approached that way. I gotta say, life is absolutely more peaceful, all around good and actually fun when I stay away from blogs I know I shouldn’t read.
Sometimes, though, things get pointed out to me and they make me so MAD. Not like throwing things around, stab people mad, just angry at the injustice and hypocrisy. At this point, I’ve been trying to keep my mouth shut because, honestly, no matter how good and true my point, it is twisted and not really seen so the drama that ensues is worthless. :(
RIGHT… so anyway, Mr. Puck, please marry me, and please troll the floor whore some more. Thanks and everyone have a most lovely day!
I just want to add my two cents, for what it’s worth-
1- I believe that we absolutely need a buzzword that indicates a movement towards acceptance of sexuality as a concept, in all of its manifestations. “Sex positive” does just that; it encompasses in two short words that which, in the year 2010, our culture should be able to embrace as truth — positively owning and accepting the various methods and forms of sexual expression.
2- We must all realize that, within any structured ideology like this, that there will be a group of people that will fuck it up and tarnish its good, true, and authentic intentions. I believe that is what has happened here. Elitism abounds in every group structure, but that shouldn’t discredit or discount the merits that those groups support, in this case — acceptance of humans as sexual beings & tolerance (another CRUCIAL buzzword) of varying expression.
Please don’t let these elitist assholes ruin it for the rest of us, including you, because whether or not you identify as sex positive, I think you truly are; as evidenced by your freedom to say exactly what you feel about this particular subject. Tongue in cheek and sarcastic delivery is just your preferred method of communication. That’s fair. No one ever said that sex positive should always be totally straightforward (if they did, they are just intolerant themselves- as you pointed out.) There is too much humor relating to the sexual perspective to disallow someone the opportunity to capitalize on that!
So, keep it up, girl. I may not agree with you, but I like your style :)
xo~Sadie