I was going to start this post with something like…  ahhhh, Saturday mornings!  And then I looked at the clock and realized it’s after noon already.

Oops!

I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where I’m up early even when I don’t have to be.

I’ve always been a night owl and a late sleeper. I remember being seven or eight years old and having my mom come in my room at two, three in the morning to find me reorganizing drawers and trying to move my dresser to a different spot.

I’ve spend a good portion of my life working nights.

My body clock just seems to like the late hours and hate getting up early.  Like I’m a perpetual teenager.

Some days I feel like…  gosh…  when are you going to grow up and act like normal adults do?

Granted, I only get to sleep in on weekends now but, still…

I feel like I should get up early and make the most of the day or something.  But the bed.  The squishy pillows and downy comforter and…

It’s too much for me to resist.  As is being able to stay up late, though I rarely welcome in the deadest, darkest, loveliest bits of night anymore, even when I’m not working the next day.

Anyhow…

Enough blathering about sleep schedules.

We’ve got a play party tonight and I’m trying to work myself up to being in the mood to go.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but for a long while now, playing in public has been more of a trial for me than a pleasure.  I feel awkward and not into it and rather like a bug, stuck with a pin under a bright light, my wings examined and exclaimed over.

I hate feeling like that.  I hate that I’ve started feeling like that. I hate losing something I used to enjoy a lot.

And I don’t know why I have.

I’m pretty good at analyzing myself but I cannot figure this one out.  And I’ve tried.  Repeatedly.

I can come up with dozens of possible reasons but I reject them all.  Maybe it’s all of them combined.

Regardless…

Tonight I’m determined to at least try to let go and have fun with whatever we end up doing.  To find the head space that will let me do so.

Maybe I should do some yoga.  Or masturbate seventy two times.  Plop in a plug.  Watch some s&m porn.  Pull out Story of O.

Lol.

I dunno.

I do know I’m going to do something , probably starting with some yoga to stretch out in case rope is involved in my evening…

And so.

Adios.