I love summer Sundays.

Seemingly endless days where the sun is shining, a breeze is blowing, the clock is ticking slowly, the coffee is flowing freely, strong and dark.  The music keeps me company while I sit outside, keeping Taylor company while he tinkers with the bike.  Kids skate past, or zoom on by on big wheels and scooters.  Neighbors mow lawns and the whole word smells like fresh cut grass and tomatoes growing heavy on vines.

I have no idea why summer smells like tomatoes to me, but it does.  Tomatoes, grass, hot pavement and motor oil.

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I’m truly hoping Taylor gets the clutch completely fixed on the bike today so we can take a ride.  It’s been down since the Fourth of July – due to an overabundance of testosterone and 100 degree heat and too many attempts at wheelies with a 1200 pound bike.  He finally got all the parts to fix it and a day free to do the work so, with some luck, we’ll  have wind in our hair by night time.

The problem with blogging from outside, however nice it is in a thousand ways, is that I become seriously distracted, find myself staring into space or at Taylor, peering at the sun, watching dragonflies or handing someone…  ahem…  now we know why he wanted me out here!…  tools.

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I should probably  be cleaning.  The house is a wreck.  But I’m not going to let it bother me or make me feel guilty.  I got every bit of laundry in the house done yesterday, the bathroom, my desk and bedroom cleaned.  Enough work for a weekend, right?  The rest can wait.  It’s been hotter than the depths of hell here lately and I’m determined to enjoy this less hot, less humid, breezy gorgeous day.

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I was at the store earlier, picking up Tide stain removal booster tab thingies – Im addicted to them since they take stains out of just about everything I forget to pre-treat and make even my kitchen towels smell clean – and I grabbed some really cool glittery nail polish.  I mention this because, being outside, I’m getting a lot of glare on the laptop screen and I can clearly see my glittery pink nails reflected  back at me as I type.  It’s odd, watching your fingers tap tap tapping as you type!

I also grabbed some perimenopause herbal tablet thingies.

I am SO tired of hot flashes and night sweats and being irritable and grumpy and not wanting to have sex – not because sex is bad but because I can’t fucking sleep and when I do sleep I wake up 13 times a night, mostly soaked in sweat.  Pray gods these things help because I do not want to have to take hormones.

My mood swings and emo-ness and cying jags are making both Taylor and I insane.  That Teen, too.  I totally remember when my mom went  thru this.  I remember being in Walmart with her, buying wiper blades, and she couldn’t find the size she needed and she just burst into tears and started sobbing about how horrible life was, right there in the automotive area of Walmart.  I can so totally relate these days.

One minute I feel Zen, chill, happy with life, with who I am and where I am, mellow, calm…

And four seconds later my head is spinning around cuz someone put a sock on the floor.

It’s ridiculous.

So yes, fingers crossed that this Estroven or whatever stuff works.

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Taylor has been super snuggly at night lately.  I think he’s been doing it cuz I bitch about wanting more cuddles a lot and I feel like a raging cunt because I am just not a “fall asleep snuggling” sort of person.  Added to the issues sleeping I’m already having, I get insanely stressed out and react really, really badly — which has us bickering and leaves both of us with our feelings hurt, trying to figure out just what the other wants and not communicating it well at all.

We rarely have communication issues but this time we seem to be floundering.

Mostly I think it’s cuz he’s also an insomniac but doesn’t have to get up early in the morning like I do, so being awake late and snuggling and not sleeping is okay for him.  For me, all I can think about are the hours of sleep I’m missing, how badly I want to sleep and how the sleepiness I got from my valerian is wearing off and now I’ll be fucked and up all night.

Maybe I should hold off on taking the valerian, etc, until after we’ve had some snuggle time, that way he’s not waking me up just as I’ve dozed off and we  can both get what we want – which is obviously snuggles – but I’ll actually be able to enjoy it instead of resenting being woken up or not being able to fall asleep.

I suppose we could try going to bed for snuggle time earlier, too, so it’s not so late when we start.

Then, when the snuggles turn into sex, I won’t also feel resentful of that.

Yeah.  See?  It’s sucky.  What sort of cunt is resentful of snuggles and good sex??????

Back to that head spinning around, Exorcist-like mood swingy shit.

Meh.  Sucks, I tell you.

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For the first time in my life I actually feel a little bit crazy and I can honestly say I no longer envy those who are.  Imbalances of any kind are simply not fun.  I used to think it would be freeing to have all that emotion swimming and swirling around and actually be able to let it out.  It’s not.  It’s just crazy and emotional and irrational and it sucks ass.

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And I just spent the last hour searching for a song from the early 80s, late 70s that I can’t remember the name of, who sings it or even the lyrics but I’d know it if I saw it.  How fruitless do you think that was???