Nah.
Not that kind of switch.
(Warning. This post is bound to aggravate and insult some of you. I apologize in advance. It is just an opinion piece and y’all need to not let my opinion be that important to you)
Anyone else notice this?
I have to admit I’ve not run into nearly so many folks who swing both ways in real time settings. Some, sure. But not this huge percentage I seem to be running into online.
It’s like they read a few websites, visited a few chatrooms, joined a few forums and decided they want it ALL. The whole shebang, the lifestyle as a whole, gave them gooey panties or a raging boner and, since no one thing resonated deep inside them, they just decide they’re a little bit of everything.
I can certainly understand someone who likes to both give and receive pain. I can even understand the urge to be dominant with some people and submissive with others. Even though I “classify” myself as a submissive there are definitely people I do not feel submissive to – or even feel dominant over.
I’m not denying that there are some people who enjoy both aspects equally, people whose physical and psychological make up allows them to fulfill both roles and enjoy them fully. Some people.
But, come ON.
The rest of you…
Make up your minds already, eh?
It’s not a fucking buffet.
Maybe I’ve just been doing this too long, got my start too long before the internet even existed.
Maybe I’m jaded and too set in my ways as tends to happen as you grow older and as you gain more experience.
Maybe I look back too much on the good old days and find todays lifestyle participants lacking.
Maybe my own struggles to be true to what I am, to be true to the thing that resonates inside me like the incessant purring of a contented cat, make me impatient with those who so lightly flip from one thing to the other with very little effort or thought given to fulfilling either of those roles WELL.
I don’t know.
I do know that I am impatient and exasperated with hearing the same old shit from every newb who hits my screen via forum or BDSM site or blog or whatever.
“I think I’m a Switch.”
No.
No, you’re not.
Those who are switches KNOW it. They revel in both roles to the fullest extent. (Nikita and Wolfie come to mind, as well as a wonderful woman in one of our local groups)
You’ve either just hit this lifestyle and are trying to sample from it like the buffet it’s NOT or you’re not understanding what dominance and submission are or you’ve never actually felt or given any pain and are just titillated by the erotica you’ve read or you’re just fucking delusional.
Seriously…
Wanting to hop on top occasionally and control your orgasm doesn’t make you a dominant.
Wanting him to ride you like he owns you doesn’t make you a submissive.
Wanting to take control of how the money is spent doesn’t make you dominant just as letting someone else decide what movie to see doesn’t make you submissive.
It is SO much more than those simple things people often perceive to be dominant or submissive behaviors.
Other than in rare instances you are either one or the other. Deep down you are either the dominant partner in your relationships or the submissive one. Or you’re an equal who likes to play kinky games on occasion.
Maybe my own inability to be both hinders my understanding. That is certainly possible. But, like I said, I do understand that for some people switching is a beautiful reality.
What I don’t understand is folks who are new to the lifestyle bopping in with an utter lack of knowledge about what even does it for them and then going out there and fucking around with people’s lives, bringing other people into their own indecision.
If you don’t know what turns your own crank, what motivates you, how in the hell are you going to be able to take the care a partner might need? How are you going to attempt to dominate someone, screw with their emotions and then decide, tomorrow, that you want to be submissive? Do you have a single clue how badly that could mess someone up? Or how can you act submissive right up to the point where you don’t want to do something and then, presto, you’re dominant? Any idea how harmful to the emotions of the person you’re with that can be?
Make up your mind.
Be what you are.
This is not a smörgåsbord for you to sample bits and pieces (cuz, damn it, it’s bits and pieces of other peoples bodies and emotions you’re sampling, you fool) and toss away what you didn’t like.
And if neither aspect has a definite pull for you, if neither role makes you feel right and solid and “home”, then you may want to consider that none of it is really for you.
That doesn’t mean you and your hubby can’t take turns tying each other to the bed with $19.95 pink fuzzy cuffs.
A little kink is wonderful.
But it’s not D/s.
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I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
Maybe they are just new to the lifestyle and are trying to find their place. Shouldn’t be so hard on folks.
Maybe.
Then again it’s my blog, I’m hard on myself and have the right to be hard in my opinions.
Doesn’t mean anyone has to agree with them but I am allowed to right what I feel. :)
Damn. Again I’m blown away.
I am really liking your journal. :)
kaya
Hey, which do you prefer I link to? LJ or here?
“It’s not a fucking buffet.”
effin hilarious…nail on the head, etc.
elise
I’ve known a few switches in real life (don’t know much about the online scene), & I’ve never really gotten it. I have come to believe that switches can be tops or bottoms, but they can’t be dominant or submissive (except in the confines of a specific scene). I think some people spend a little time wondering about the other side of things when they first start, i.e. “I know this story turns me on, but I’m not sure which point of view is turning me on.” But my rambling is to say “yeah, I agree.”
Sinnamon
I love these kind of blogs that you write. They get me thinking about what I have with Doug. We just move on from there. Sometimes I have to explain things to him..LOL but then once I do he starts to get the idea of what he’s suppose to do.
Anyhoo~I am trying to link this to my blogger and I am stupid or something cuz’ I forgot how to do it…LOL
Yep, blonde moment.
Love ya girlie
I have only just found your site through kaya. I promise you I’m neither aggravated or insulted, and my opinion or experience is probably of little importance to you.
A lot of what you’ve written here I find myself agreeing with. When I first acknowledged my submissive side, it was because those feelings were so strong they could not be denied. I ventured into the ‘online world’ simply because I could see no other way of meeting like minded people.
Other than though ‘cyberia’ (ie, blogland) I no longer venture into online territory. The wonderful community I now have around me has developed like ripples on a pond from those in my world introducing me to others.
I was extremely blessed to meet a man who brought my submissiveness into full and wonderous bloom. That side of me remains strong, though only to one man. However, he also said right from the beginning that he knew I was switch. It wasn’t something we spoke of often, and though I occasionally helped him in play with other girls, I never really believed him… it just didn’t touch anything inside me, I did it as part of my submission to him because assisting him in play gave him pleasure.
Then, I met a girl, my beautiful Aniel, a very new submissive and it all became very different. She reminded me of a fledgling bird who had fallen out of its tree….vulnerable, trying to find its wings, and in danger of being hurt if someone didn’t watch over her. There were other feelings too…but above all else a simple chemistry which I believe has to exist for any dominant/submissive relationship to work. As our relationship progressed, I became Aniel’s mistress. The day we took that step will forever be branded in my mind….I feel extremely privileged that she should have offered her submission to me.
So yes, I identify myself as a switch, but I agree with you saying ‘its not a buffet’. There are many dominants and submissives within my real life community, none of which I feel submissive to, or wish to dominate… they are simply friends. It is a very different matter with M and A because its about chemistry, and our ongoing relationships.
Thank you for this piece, and thanks again to kaya for directing me here.
hugs x
*tap tap, is this thing on?
Hi, my name is kink, and i’m a switch.
Yes, it is a very confusing and often conflicting condition. Mostly a curse at times!
i do find that most that claim to be switches, just dont feel like they fit in either way, and they simply like kinky sex. Thats not my case, but sure, those people give me a bad name. :)
i am a dominant personality that is not comfortable in my own skin. i require an Alpha male.. someone stronger and smarter and harder than me to respect and feel peace in His direction and use. And thus i am submissive and content.
In a female/female relationship, (and yes i am hardwired bisexual) i am always the dominant and enjoy inflicting pain and pleasure. i could never be bottom to a female and i could never be top over a Male. i would lose respect for that Man in particular in a certain sense, and could never ever switch with either. These are clearly defined roles in my head. Its taken me 15 years to figure out who i am.. trust me, its confusing for me too.
The hardest part is when in a poly relationship or threesome scene and the switching of gears from one to another. In that situation i have been the alpha slave and it works well. But basically, in His presense, i am under His direction, so.. i tuck that away to an extent. When alone with a woman? Totally different story.
To say that i am neither, and simply top or bottom in a scene, is really not true.
Thanks for bringing up the subject :-)
kink~