I’ve noticed something over at FetLife.Something that’s bothersome to me on all sorts of levels.
See, there are these people here. Most of them experienced, veterans of the scene with some years under their belt and very few illusions left as to the “fantasy” of BDSM. They live it, for the most part, and are quite certain of their reality.
All good. We’re all at different stages in the game and as we hit each stage we’re all certain of our reality.
Thing is, these folks leave no room for anyone else’s reality. If you think differently than they do – you’re wrong. And it’s not just that you’re wrong – they must make sure you know you’re wrong.
Many of them say they’re not submissives (and we won’t get into the grammatical issues with the word. Let’s just, for this moment, assume submissive as a noun equals “submissive person”, mkay? Thanks) but join groups designed for submissive women to gather. They have primarily real time relationships but join groups filled with mostly online folks. They don’t believe in submission as a gift and master as completely responsible for all aspects of his slave or the validity of online D/s or really anything other than their black and white version of what they do. And yet they join groups filled with people who do believe in all this stuff.
And, yanno, I just don’t get that. Personally, I don’t respond to threads from those I find to be fluffy bunnies. I don’t get involved in threads about online relationships. Etc, etc. I have better things to do with my time than spend it perusing threads about people and situations that don’t mean fuck all to me, don’t teach me anything and don’t mesh at all with the stage of the game I’m at.
But these folks…
Mostly women…
Must be bored out of their skulls or exceptionally malicious.
They go out of their way to be in places where they have nothing in common with anyone and insult everyone around them.
They’re belligerent. They’re catty. Deliberately insulting.
Like they’re on a mission to erase the words “true” and “real” and “gift” and “submissive”. Never realizing that they come across as exactly what they’re trying to eradicate.
Their way is the one true way. Right?
Cuz if you do or think differently they’re going to say something cuntish, going to do everything in their power to make you feel bad, stupid, false and invalidated.
And it bothers me. A lot. Are they so secretly miserable in their petty little existences that they need to make everyone else miserable, too? And if that’s not it… why do they waste the energy and time?
It’s like going to a sports bar on volleyball night and then pissing and moaning and ridiculing everyone for liking volleyball when you don’t. Why would anyone do that? Why not go to that cool little jazz place where you’ll enjoy yourself? Do you really think you’re going to make people stop liking volleyball just because you think it’s dumb?
Fuckin’ A.
Live your life. Enjoy it. And let everyone else live theirs. Why does it matter to you how suzy super slave and Master Thor Firebolt live? Why do these intelligent, experienced women who I’d like to look up to feel the need to behave like catty, bitchy, cuntish, know it alls with a stick up their ass and a bee in their bonnet?
I have this blog. In this blog I often vent and rage about the fluffy bunnies and all the other stuff I disagree with or find ridiculous. Sometimes you just gotta get it out.
But to intentionally and maliciously and continually insult and demean people in a place where they’ve gathered to be around others like them?
That’s just sad and ugly.
Which makes them sad and ugly.
It nullifies all their experience and intelligence in my mind. Like a good old dog gone snappish… I just want to put them down.
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I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
Your post is 100% true. I’ve never seen a bigger bunch of “holier than thou” folks in my life. I’ve been saying that over on Fetlife for ages.
It’s either their way or it’s the wrong way.
I have serious issues with it, same as you. It is because of folks like that.. that I have remained quiet and do not comment at all on Fetlife and I’ve only been a member for just over 2 mths.
Thank you for speaking up, I’m glad it’s not just me that is sick of the judgemental bullshit.
Whoot!!!!!!!
And that’s all i am going to say.
Oh ho! The dreaded “Fluffy bunnies”. I call ‘em the “Fairy folk” for their tendency to things mythic, like fairy princesses pining in their towers waiting for the Prince to come along and rapunzel their asses out.
Good call.
Upton
There. You’ve pulled me out of lurkdom *smile* in response to this most excellent rant. Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate it.
Yay! I love delurking! :)
I have to agree. It is one major reason why I stopped going to The Slave Register.. or whatever the hell it is calling itself these days. I’m beginning to think that no matter what “BDSM” related group site you go to, where you can post things and comment on other threads… it’s the same people.
Oh lord. And this is why I must be one of the only people I know who don’t visit FetLife.
I knew enough of those people a long time ago and really wish they would all just pull their bottom lips over their heads and swallow.
Awesome post.
bliss
xoxox
I’m not a fluffy bunnie!!! *does fluffy bunnie dance* at least not a total one.
No, you’re not a fluffy bunny.
You were almost one a year ago, though. :P
Great post, from the title to the end.
It’s truly sad that the vets appear out to ruin it for the rest of it. I guess there are bad apples in every group. This is especially bad for me, being a member of FetLife, and hoping to expand my knowledge of the BDSM world (I would truly like to believe that one never stops learning). However, it appears that many have stopped learning and perhaps caring to learn as they already know it all.
That’s a shame.
r.
I have noticed this also and it seems to be getting worse. It does seem that Fetlife still has less of these issues than similar sites. I try to ignore it and go on, but I have been visiting there less and less. The sad things is that you would think that people in the lifestyle would be less judgmental and more accepting. However,that’s not the case, go figure. Thanks for a true assessment.
shittles. I joined fetlife recently, and couldn’t find a damned thing I was interested in. nothing but bitching and butt itching over there.
I am so glad you said this out loud. FetLife isn’t the only place it happens and Heaven knows it has happened for as long as there have been people in the lifestyle. The examples you gave are the exact reasons I have yet to step out and surround myself with other people who are supposedly so embroiled in their lifestyle practices. The Knight and I aren’t like everyone else and I have no desire to be called out for it time and time again.
Really, the ones who are old pros, so to speak…shouldn’t they be trying to foster a sense of unity? Why alienate newer members of the BDSM community?
Again, thanks for speaking up.
Amen Carrie, to be honest, that kind of behavior seems to be pervasive in most organized BDSM groups, although the same might be true of all organized groups. I think it is particularly apparent when you try and organize a group around personal behaviors, not sure.
But it brings to mind one of my favorite old sayings, “Never underestimate the stupidity of people in large groups.”