The Chaos of Everyday Life

“To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it’s no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long.” ~Marlene Dietrich

Well…
I have to say that, overall, life has been good lately. We’re working hard and catching up on some bills, we haven’t had any major car troubles and the ones we have had have been fairly easily taken care of. The long hours are hard on my son but he seems to be dealing with it ok. He’s gotten extra time with his grandparents and that seems to make up some for the lack of time with us – and the long hours won’t go on forever so I think we’re all okay.

Problem is…
Working together 20 hours a day makes it very, very hard to maintain the level of D/s I need in my life.
We bicker like anybody would working in such close contact and under such stress for such long hours. And my part of the job means Taylor actually has to follow my directions at least half the time. (Even if it’s just telling him where we’re going next and how to get there.) I haven’t had time to get my house in order and I get all crabby about that cuz I feel like I’m failing in my part of the responsibilities around here and that just makes me bitchy and leaves me feeling sort of…. I dunno… out of whack, I guess.

We need a long weekend with no kid, no work, no dog and nothing to do but get our proper selves righted. Time to play and do all the more overt and visible things that go along with D/s. Time to be nothing more than the Dominant and the submissive, completely saturated in those roles.

We were supposed to go up to Thorn House this weekend but ended up not having the time off to do it. I had requested that we not go, anyhow. Not because I didn’t want the time there but because friends were supposed to meet us and I”m feeling too frazzled with that aspect of our lives to be around people who aren’t having problems. I’d have been jealous and weepy over the consistency in their lives that we don’t have right now.

Blah.

It’s a no win situation in some ways.
I don’t want to go about getting our relationship back on track in front of others cuz that leaves me feeling like it was just a show for others. And yet, staying home and having to work tomorrow leaves us not getting done what needs to be done.

And Taylor doesn’t quite know what the fuck to do. My moods have been all over the place and he’s just as tired – more so, really – as I am with all the work and he just doesn’t have the energy to “fix” me right now.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that vanilla, everyday life can’t fuck with yer D/s. It can and it does. The only thing you can do is recognize that and try to fix it.

Which is what I’m going to do, despite the lack of time off.

I’m going to finish dying my hair. (Had to retouch the pink) Then I’m going to have a shower, pick up the house, get myself prettied up, and devote some time to contemplation of who and what I am. It is NOT his job to remind me of that. Getting in the proper headspace myself will go a LONG way toward making things feel right again.

Cuz what it comes down to is…
Taylor never really changes. He is who he is. And he’s never going to force me to be who I am. He’s going to let me flounder until I decide to fix it… because I’m the only one who really can.

I need to find a way to not let my attitude slide into bitchy vanilla wife just because we don’t have a lot of time for the play aspects of our relationship. And I can only do that by doing some soul searching and by setting my mind to staying in my place.

Ugh.
A good beating would get me there a lot faster, damn it.

But I suppose faster isn’t necessarily better.
It needs to come from inside, not from outside.

I’m halfway to dethroning my Man and that is not good.

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