So while I’ve been quiet as hell around here I’ve been oddly active in Fetlife groups. Probably because I can discuss and debate stuff over there without it being personal. Here it’s all pretty personal and I’ve been avoiding that lately.
Now that things are settling down in the health area, though, I’ve been pondering and pondering some of the stuff I’ve been caught up in over in the groups.
Seems like lately there have been a gazillion conversations about sub space and sub drop and aftercare. And, yanno, I’m stressed out over it.
Ya wanna know why?
It’s because I think huge percentages of bottoms, submissives and slaves are LYING.
That’s right. Lying. Faking. And totally, over the top, dramatizing shit.
I’ve already talked about subspace. I don’t get there. Not the way everyone else describes the shit, anyhow. And so I firmly believe that most folks don’t get there as often as they’d like us to believe they do. Sure, some people do. Maybe even most people do some of the time. But, damn it, I am fucking convinced that the largest percentage of people who go on and on about subspace are making the shit up. They’ve read about it and seen it talked about and heard about it so many damned times they feel like they must get there or something is wrong. So, just like faking an orgasm they fake subspace.
And do NOT tell me it can’t be done because I’ve seen it. I’ve seen girls who needed to be "helped" off the cross so they could stumble to a chair and snuggle up in a blankie, acting all dopey and incapable of holding a glass of water stomp off, just fine, a few minutes later when they didn’t get the attention they were hoping for.
I’ve seen girls who work out regularly, pushing themselves on a daily basis to run a bit further or lift a few more weights suddenly become drunk on endorphins and oh so deep in subspace from a very light spanking and a bit of wax play – during which they interacted with the crowd thru half of it!
Subspace in trendy. It’s expected. It’s the pinnacle everyone is reaching for and when they find they don’t actually get there, they fucking lie.
Like I said. Not everyone. Some folks really do get there. But damned near everyone, every time? I call bullshit.
And then you have sub drop.
I’ve experienced it. It’s real. But, again, every time? Pfft. Chances are you’re just missing all that attention you got and are acting out and calling it sub drop to get more attention.
If it was real you’d figure out a way to combat it, to prevent it, to make yourself feel better instead of whining about it once a week on a freakin’ message board.
And we should probably not even talk about aftercare.
"Oh my, I MUST have it, I go into SHOCK after I play!"
Oh fuck that. If you were in shock someone would be calling 911 you twit! Seriously. Go read about it here or here or here. And these are medical sites, not Wikidamnedpedia.
Sure, you may be dehydrated. You may be having a blood sugar incident. But chances are you’re just reacting to the adrenaline in your body. The symptoms of an adrenaline reaction can sound a lot like shock – except with an adrenaline reaction or a blood sugar incident you’re gonna feel better after a hunk of chocolate and some Gatorade.
If you’re in shock and all you do is get a bunch of snuggles and some water and a pixie stick? You’re going to die, you fucking idiot.
And don’t get me started on the girls who fake subspace AND want aftercare that lasts for hours and into the next week when the dominant should be calling them to make sure they’re getting their attention whore needs taken care of mentally and physically ok and still have a head and kidneys.
Argh.
I mean, sure, sometimes you play hard enough and it messes you up a bit and you need some comfort and care afterwards. You need the blood wiped up and the welts and cuts cleaned and salved and bandaged. And you need a Kleenex to wipe the snot off your chin and maybe even some time to be held and calm your fucked up head after he’s brutally raped you into next week.
But are you REALLY going to play that hard with a virtual stranger? Someone who doesn’t know you well enough to know when you honestly need something or care enough to ask or who you don’t feel comfortable enough with to ask for what you need?
What’s with THAT? Who’s fault is that?
And casual play is supposed to be fun, isn’t it? Not filled with obligations for hours and days afterward, not filled with this huge emotional debt for a supposedly willing piece of ass to spank and fuck.
If you get all attached to the dude and want love and mad attention after he’s done it’s not HIS fault.
Christ. If I was a top I wouldn’t touch most of these needy, mind changing, lying, dramatic, attention seeking twits for all the tea in China.
They’re scary.
And, yeah, I’m being bitchy. If it pisses you off I’ve likely hit a nerve. If this stuff doesn’t apply to you don’t bother giving me a rash of shit cuz I obviously wasn’t talking about you.
And that, folks, is my rant for the month.
See what happens when I don’t write for awhile?
I’ll try to be back soon with something deep and erotic and less cuntish. :)
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I drink a lot of coffee, ride a motorcycle, have an 18 year old son and a decade long relationship that began in a chat room.
haha…no, I’m with you. Subspace? Master and I have been together for nearly three years and I’ve hit it exactly 2 1/2 times. Lol…third time wasn’t nearly as deep as the first two. And…holy shit. If it WERE possible for me to play and reach that state every time…or even most of the time…I sure as SHIT wouldn’t be playing with strangers. The only reason that I didn’t end up with serious injuries was because HE stopped. He could have started skinning me alive and I’d likely have asked for more.
Aftercare…I’ve never played with anyone other than Master, so I have no experience whatsoever in the casual playing fields…and he and I don’t play out in public either. I do like to be cuddled after a session, as long as we’re not too hot and sweaty, lol. I do like a blanket after a really hard session as I tend to run cold anyways and afterwards I get even colder…and sleepy…but the very idea of having someone that I didn’t know well be all cuddly and nurturing on me if I DID play casually is more than a little weird.
If he called me up the next day to see how I was doing, it would be neat…and would probably endear me to him and make me want to play with him again…but is certainly not something that I would demand…or feel victimized if I didn’t get.
I keep reading your comments in Comfy Chair, one that I left a while back because the conversations were so damned juvenile and circular…but there’ve been some lately that I just want to hug you. (metaphorically of course) but I am staunchly refraining from wading back into those waters.
And the whole faking it thing? I feel the same way about screaming orgasms. Considering that such a small percentage of women can actually have vaginal orgasms and the large amount who have sexual issues and dysfunction of one type or another…I really have to wonder when an entire thread gets filled with women who go on and on about how sexually responsive they are. I’m sure that there are some that are…but ALL OF THEM? Especially those “come on demand” threads.
Being a recovering faker…I smell bullshit half the time.
Man, those discussions over there were driving me crazy. Fucking crazy.
But I might DDIIIIEEEE if I don’t get my aftercareeeeeeeeeee! Oh puh-leeze. STFU ya big fucking baby.
I mean, for real, and these are the same people who wouldn’t think of doing anything even half-way “dangerous” because safe sane and consensual you know! Yet, apparently, we’re to believe they risk their life every single time they play because their body’s are wired differently (than everyone else in the world) and they go into “shock” from a flogger.
Argh. And we’re the assholes for trying to deny them their much deserved care.
You should totally post this on FL rants because we all have to be so (kinda sorta) careful in the other groups.
Just 2 lil points/questions?
1 – i feel like less of an ass/failure now, because “subspace”… never quite got a good enough explanation of what it is, so can’t really even determine if I’ve been there or not. I think I’ve used the term once or twice, for lack of a better way to describe it. Definitely NOT somewhere I go every scene, every beating, every fucking, though. Thought maybe I was broken and not getting off the train at the right stop or something.
2 – wtf is subdrop? This is the second time I’ve seen the term today, but never before now. Honestly cannot say if I’ve ever been there – cuz I have no clue where it is on the map.
Any help would be REALLY appreciated :)
lalana
A-freakin-men.
i used to be a heavy player in a local D/s group, and i saw these EXACT same behaviors. It’s part of the human condition – wanting to differentiate oneself from the group, make it seem like they do it best or react to it the best or whatever.
i finally had to leave the group after i realized just how much i wanted to punch everyone right in the nose.
i feel pretty much the same way about Fetlife. Yeah, i went there. Okay, i joined in a few discussions. But it’s still the same bullshit – people don’t care about anything other than themselves being looked at as “the best”. Everyone wants to say how their experience was bigger, brighter, bloodier, blahblahblah – i. don’t. care. And it’s hard to be talkative when you feel like that.
i just stopped to say i am so glad you are feeling better.. you write the BEST rants !!! and i have missed them
morningstar (owned by Warren)
i’m a loser, i never get subspace….lol.
It’s YOUR blog and i agree…i think most of them are liars and have no clue about it. i just don’t even respond to those threads cause they have no idea….
For me, i just get beaten. Doesn’t matter if i get subspace or not….He’s got a need to beat and it’s going to be me.
Ok, mostly a lurker here, but thought i would chime in. First of all, i loved this post. i have not read the discussion in FL referred to here, but i can tell by the tone of the comment i probably would have grown bored with it (as i do a lot of FL discussions) and never made it through all of the silliness.
Now, as for faked orgasms, all i can think of is Meg Ryan in the movie Sleepless in Seattle (i think that is the name of the movie). i have never faked an orgasm…hell, i didn’t even have one until i was 24 and with my current Sir (some 14 years ago). He is the only man who has been able to make me orgasm. So my introduction to orgasm faking was with Meg Ryan so to speak.
Ahh, the ever elusive sub-space. Does it really even exist? Maybe so, maybe not. i can say that i have experienced a physical “frozen-ness” (which is really the only way to describe it) after a really really strong orgasm. i am actually paralyzed, and it is a really freaky experience…kind of scary actually. There is a biological reason for this frozen state though…muscles release calcium when they are used (that is what causes the muscles to contract), so when i experience this, there is a complete muscular release of calcium (same thing that makes bones hard), in turn freezing me (kind of like riggor mortis…kind of creepy, right?). That is what i figure sub-space to be, but hell, i don’t know. Can anyone else tell me more about that?
Again…loved the post.
I usually type out the shit in those little boxes even though my history prompts me but my arms are shaking from all the forced (*snicker* yeah, right) masturbation I just did so I used the prompts. I rarely ever have multiples. God damn is that nice. So! I cannot be held responsible for typos I don’t see or correct :P
But basically what I wanted to say is I personally have come to think subspace is a myth. Either that or I’m just so used to adrenaline/endorphin rushes (Hello? Adrenaline junkie here – among other things at one time) that it takes more than my body and Master’s arms can handle. Cause I just haven’t gotten there. Ever.
For a while, Master thought He was doing something wrong. I had to assure Him that He was doing everything just right (and the things He was doing wrong I enjoy too – if only because He does, but usually just because I do and never knew I could till He did them) and it’s just me. Just like it damn near takes a jackhammer to get me off, it takes some serious work to send me into adrenaline overload. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But it works for us!
As for the fakers… I’ve never witnessed it in others first hand, having never been to a play party. But it kills me when chicks go into subspace after an online scene. I would love to have a mind so… free that I could experience crazy endorphin rushes based on words on a screen alone.
I mean no offense, of course.
Subdrop? That I can get down with. Master’s not big on aftercare. He doesn’t understand it. To Him, most of it is *just* play. He doesn’t understand that, even though I can tell myself it’s not real and He still loves me, sometimes that doesn’t get through till it’s long over with.
And most of the time it’s fine. Most of the time I’m okay with it and I’m only mopey for a second before I realize the world is still spinning. But sometimes… Sometimes I really need to cuddle up in His arms and hear that He loves me.
And that’s my fault. I should speak up more. But we’ve talked about it and He understands more. And I plan to open my mouth more. So :) We’ll work it out!
Holy long post, Batman. I love that I’m not the only one frustrated with this, though. I usually steer clear of those threads for this very reason.
Can I sorta disagree here? I mean not with the whole omigodsineedsaftercareorhesucky thing or that people fake it. Some probably do.
I can tell you that subspace is real. I’ve been there many times. It was nice. I’ve been so high I couldn’t talk — literally. I’ve been left shivering & my teeth chattering. I’ve been high enough that I’ve stayed a little floaty for days. I’ve even gotten floaty from an email from him.
Subspace is real, but people who haven’t been there have a hard time believing it, just like women who’ve never been able to have that G-spot orgasm say it isn’t real. I didn’t believe that was real either until M made me gush a lake in the bed. It’s real. It’s real enough to make me have to buy a protective plastic cover for my bed.
I am going to keep holding onto the memory of how real subspace was because I may not ever go there again, & I want to remember it fondly.
Hello. :)
I stumbled across your blog seeking out other subs to gain insight from their experiences and I bookmarked your blog for whatever reason… maybe I read something cool and wanted to remember it… and this post entertained me very much. :)
I agree with a lot of what you have said. Well, from my very amateur sub viewpoint. I have no idea what sub drop is, and I have a faint idea what subspace is… I have never been there, whatever “being there” means. I imagine it’s something similar to people having religious experiences when they worship or something. I would think people who fake that are very insecure and are trying too hard to appear legit. :/
And aftercare… hehe, I have seen aftercare drama. Subs that get flaming pissed because “the dom I played with last night didn’t even TOUCH me afterwards!” My Master and I are married and play very intimately and harshly, so aftercare is the norm for us. I have never had another dom, ever. So, I can’t relate to that much.
Anyway, I actually learned a lot from your rant. Thanks for posting it! :D
BTW, I’m on fetlife too. little_mouse is my name.
But gosh…
You’re so much fun when you’re cuntish! -snicker-
I couldn’t bring myself to go for the checkups every six months, especially right after having my youngest. As a matter of fact, it took me 4 years to finally go back in to the doc after they diagnosed me. I lucked out, though. Got a clean bill of health.
Glad to know things are getting straightened back out over there.
I had to step back from FL – a lot – to keep from screaming.
Here’s the thing. I know that some women do experience sub-drop and go into subspace more than others (I have a friend who calls it ‘bliss’). BUT… I also think that after it happens once or twice and we figure out what’s going on, we grow up and deal with it. I mean, the women I know who experience subspace know (1) what happens in the scene to cause it (2) have partners who know what signals to look for and (3) have a plan ahead of time for what they will do after the scene that does not involve whining when their play partner doesn’t grovel at their feet.
Same for sub-drop – I think it happens and is more likely to happen to people who are newer to the scene. They have a huge intense experience and then go back to their daily lives and *smash* it hits. “Why isn’t life like that all the time?” I mean, it happens in other situations, too, not related to kink.
As for orgasms, I hesitate to speak, ’cause I do have vaginal orgasms (they are the *best*) and orgasm strangely easily, particularly for my husband. But, I’ve never gushed all over the bed either. I believe women can do it, but I never have. And yes, of course women fake it. I used to, a very long time ago.
sparkle
First let me say, i am glad you are feeling better. i wanted to comment on your last post when you mentioned the possiblity of a hystorectomy but damn work got in the way. LOL
Second, i do know that both sup-space and sub-drop exist. i have experienced both, but NOT all the time, and they usually, for me anyway, go hand in hand. i only experience sub-drop after i have experienced sub-space. i learned that i was reacting to endorphins and adrenaline and that a little chocolate helped. As for aftercare…i have never play with a stranger or done any public play so the normal after sex kissing, cuddling is all i get. i am also the one in charge of getting the towel to clean up, LOL.
Third, i am however blessed with being multi-orgasmic and can achieve orgasm just from vaginal penetration. So if i had to choose, i don’t care if i ever see sub-space again.
Someone asked what sub drop is. It’s when you feel like shit a day or so after playing. Your body sort of crashes and you feel lethargic and unfocused and cranky and weepy and a host of other stuff. It’s a reaction from all the chemicals – endorphins and whatnot – that get released during the scene.
As for the rest of ya -
I know subspace exists. I really do. I’ve come close to it, MAYBE even experienced it once. My point isn’t that it doesn’t exist. My point is that 98.774% of bottoms are NOT experiencing it all the fuckin’ time, every fuckin’ time.
Too many folks are reading and hearing all about subspace and subdrop and aftercare and using all three to get attention. Just like they’re using BDSM to get attention they couldn’t in the damned vanilla world.
That, of course, is another thought for another time. One likely I’ll never fully express because I’d have a mob at my door ready to stone me whilst dragging me behind a truck.
I agree that not everyone experiences sub space. My Master felt that he was failing because before I was with him I had reached what I call subspace once. I took him over 2 years for me to feel close to that again. I can’t even say I’ve been to subspace more than 4 times in the 6 years I’ve been practicing BDSM.
Sub drop I experience a lot more when it’s not in a play time, or after but more when I’ve been in a deep slave state, serving and being of service very intensely. Humiliation and degradation play would really get me dropping after and needing the reassurance that he still loves me and will be there. It’s hard but he knows the symptoms if I appear to need more than an after play little cuddle and a ‘good girl’.
I think a lot of what we see on FL and other places is that newbies want to fit in so they think they have to experience subspace, subdrop and orgasms every single time. Then it becomes faked because they have no other way to ‘fit in’.
Just my thoughts. I stopped fitting in about 3 months after Master moved it and realized that reality is far from what everyone ‘said’ it was.
HAHAHAHA….
whooee. you made my day.
no need for me to add to it. just – yeah. what you said.
Amen to all of it!
I don’t experience subspace hardly at all either and for years felt like there was something wrong with me. And then decided so what – I don’t get there. I still have fun. I still get turned on.
Subdrop I do experience more often. But I know it is going to happen and do things to help it so it doesn’t get to bad.
Just found your blog and love it; am devouring it. Suddenly your .com is not available – I do hope you will continue blogging
Great post, i totally agree. I’ve said this a million times and i’ll say it again i think half of these slaves,subs,bottoms, and kajiras dont have a submissive bone in their bodies. I only believe half of what i see and a forth of what i read these days. Your post made my day.
His mija~
This is totally right – BDSM and all that it entails is about two things in my book – FUN and DESIRE. A lot of people seem to have forgotten about those two things, and have instead become needy and attention-seeking. I find these people are generally the ones ‘into’ the whole ‘bdsm lifestyle’ because they think its the next ‘cool’ thing.
Pathetic.
As far as the silly ‘oh noes i needs my aftercareeee’ goes, really, wtf is wrong with these people? OK, its a given that after I’ve been used and abused, i should be given a sensible amount of time to recover, especially since i’m a type 1 diabetic, but at the same time, wheres the fun (theres that magic word!) in it if youre not pushing your limits?
Gah, trendies really, really annoy me!
Also, great blog – this is my first post here, and it all looks pretty interesting (you were on thisgirl.wordpress.com’s blogroll)
I have forgotten how much I adore your candour! You go girl – call it has it is! You’re a braver woman than I though, I left Fet long ago becuase I couldn’t STAND the BS!!